The Mid-Life News
It's hard to believe I am middle-aged. It seems it was months ago I saw the film American Beauty and thought to myself: that guy is 42, man, must be hell to be that age. I saw that film in 2000 not long after we moved to Sacramento. I was a spry 36. Where did those years go, the years between 36, when I felt about like I did at 30, and 42, when I'm clearly past the hump?
I hope they were good ones.
This comes to mind (and this post is what I call inblog, uncrafted sharing, really) because when I went to my Dean this morning and told him I was considering seminary in four years when my son finishes high school (think how old I'll be then), he noted that he was 43, I was 42, and 'this is the age' when guys start to think about changes. For him, it meant a recent elevation to Deanship and its six figure salary. For me, it means thinking thoughts which could result in resigning tenure, a good salary (finally), and my STRS retirement.
Of course I am just thinking, but what am I thinking?
I am considering seminary, as I said. Probably CDSP in Berkeley; it's the only Episcopal seminary in all of the western U.S. There is one at Yale also, funnily enough called Berkeley Divinity School, and there are a few others scattered throughout the U.S., but I haven't looked into those. CDSP would be a good location for many reasons. Of course, if my son goes off to college somewhere else in the country, parent-stalkers could follow.
I want to go to seminary because I want to study New Testament, but also for the community. And that is how I imagine it: Hogwart's with a different magic. Living on campus for three years and studying, communing, helping others in the surrounding area. It sounds like a wonderful passage in life. Of course such a degree usually leads to ordination, but there's the rub: though I want to attend seminary, I'm not sure I'm called to the vocational priesthood (nor am I sure I know what called means).
I'm sitting here now thinking I may need to make my blog even more anonymous.
So, could I be a priest who keeps his college job and fills in when required, who helps a local parish without charge? Do such people exist? It seems like a deal to me. I can take a leave of absence without pay and come back to my current college after two or maybe even three years, keep my tenure and actually return at a higher salary. There is much wisdom in this idea.
I've also considered trying, at my hoary-headed age, to enter the world of NT scholarship. Now this is a clay pipe and bubbles. Reading the vitas of the faculty at Yale's seminary reminds me how much work that is. I would only do that if I took pleasure in doing the writing, if I had something critical I wanted to publish, not merely as a means to the job. And then I suppose, as in English studies, there is great diversity. Meaning what it takes to teach NT at Yale and what it takes to teach it at CDSP (and we'll see on this one; they're hiring someone this year) are different things. Either way, it would require a Ph.D., and that means years, seven maybe, living as an academic, turnip-squeezing out a living as an adjunct...before I could even try to enter the field. At 53 or so. Jeez. I'd have to be famous already to risk that madness. I want to dialogue in print with Wright, with Johnson, with those I'm reading. I believe I have that capacity, though to do something genuinely original...I don't know about that. I'll keep that goal someplace in my pocket, but it's hard to see making a living at it at this time.
Would that I were 32. What was I doing at 32, anyway? Oh, yes, I remember. Partying, doing hard martial arts, and getting to know a wonderful girl and her little son. Those were pretty good years.
The other way to serve in the Episcopal church, and one my own Dean mentioned, is to become a Deacon. You get to keep your job, then, and work part-time for the church, unpayed but ordained into the helping ministry. That is a provocative idea, yet I still want the seminary experience...Deacon school is not that...so I come to where I began.
Would pastoral work even give me time to write? It could well be as consuming, or more so (year-round) than my current academic job.
All these things are exciting to consider, but I have to admit: I continue to age, and with that I must acknowledge, this is it. Some truths are hard and real as the stars. I've had my first career; I succeeded at it generally (I never imagined myself at a community college in the old days, but I've found it's a very human and decent place). I can kick around more ideas, but every decade I wait all that changes. The only reason I'm considering waiting so long for seminary (well, actually, the idea does scare the pee out of me, so I'm holding my pee in too) is that my son just started ninth grade, and I don't want to move him until high school is over. I don't know if it matters as much for the priesthood, though, whether I'm 50 or 45 when I look for my first job.
As I've said already, my current job would be very tough to leave permanently: security, pay, retirement and freedom. I continue to learn as I move from literature series to literature series. Even lit. theory has begun to interest me as it intersects with philosophy. My mind is alive here.
And yet there is this nagging sense I'm cut out more perfectly for something else...is this persistent sense from me, or God? Does God actually call anyone into ministry? I mean, if I get knocked down walking home and hear the Voice and see the light that's one thing, but my vague sense...is that just me or God working? I am going to talk to my priest about this more; he wants to talk about it (apparently, to go to seminary, I'd have to get the Bishop's approval anyway). One thing he said in an email is that 'discernment is very difficult.' He is given to understatement, and I believe he spoke the truth. Discernment is very difficult. T
Though I haven't wanted to admit it, I am in fact beginning discernment. At least I have an income and time. Every decision is easier with those two things.
Pray for me, those who pray.
Oh, I am working on a longer post for What We Are 2.0, but I haven't had much time with S in grad school and all. I'll get it done, though.
I hope they were good ones.
This comes to mind (and this post is what I call inblog, uncrafted sharing, really) because when I went to my Dean this morning and told him I was considering seminary in four years when my son finishes high school (think how old I'll be then), he noted that he was 43, I was 42, and 'this is the age' when guys start to think about changes. For him, it meant a recent elevation to Deanship and its six figure salary. For me, it means thinking thoughts which could result in resigning tenure, a good salary (finally), and my STRS retirement.
Of course I am just thinking, but what am I thinking?
I am considering seminary, as I said. Probably CDSP in Berkeley; it's the only Episcopal seminary in all of the western U.S. There is one at Yale also, funnily enough called Berkeley Divinity School, and there are a few others scattered throughout the U.S., but I haven't looked into those. CDSP would be a good location for many reasons. Of course, if my son goes off to college somewhere else in the country, parent-stalkers could follow.
I want to go to seminary because I want to study New Testament, but also for the community. And that is how I imagine it: Hogwart's with a different magic. Living on campus for three years and studying, communing, helping others in the surrounding area. It sounds like a wonderful passage in life. Of course such a degree usually leads to ordination, but there's the rub: though I want to attend seminary, I'm not sure I'm called to the vocational priesthood (nor am I sure I know what called means).
I'm sitting here now thinking I may need to make my blog even more anonymous.
So, could I be a priest who keeps his college job and fills in when required, who helps a local parish without charge? Do such people exist? It seems like a deal to me. I can take a leave of absence without pay and come back to my current college after two or maybe even three years, keep my tenure and actually return at a higher salary. There is much wisdom in this idea.
I've also considered trying, at my hoary-headed age, to enter the world of NT scholarship. Now this is a clay pipe and bubbles. Reading the vitas of the faculty at Yale's seminary reminds me how much work that is. I would only do that if I took pleasure in doing the writing, if I had something critical I wanted to publish, not merely as a means to the job. And then I suppose, as in English studies, there is great diversity. Meaning what it takes to teach NT at Yale and what it takes to teach it at CDSP (and we'll see on this one; they're hiring someone this year) are different things. Either way, it would require a Ph.D., and that means years, seven maybe, living as an academic, turnip-squeezing out a living as an adjunct...before I could even try to enter the field. At 53 or so. Jeez. I'd have to be famous already to risk that madness. I want to dialogue in print with Wright, with Johnson, with those I'm reading. I believe I have that capacity, though to do something genuinely original...I don't know about that. I'll keep that goal someplace in my pocket, but it's hard to see making a living at it at this time.
Would that I were 32. What was I doing at 32, anyway? Oh, yes, I remember. Partying, doing hard martial arts, and getting to know a wonderful girl and her little son. Those were pretty good years.
The other way to serve in the Episcopal church, and one my own Dean mentioned, is to become a Deacon. You get to keep your job, then, and work part-time for the church, unpayed but ordained into the helping ministry. That is a provocative idea, yet I still want the seminary experience...Deacon school is not that...so I come to where I began.
Would pastoral work even give me time to write? It could well be as consuming, or more so (year-round) than my current academic job.
All these things are exciting to consider, but I have to admit: I continue to age, and with that I must acknowledge, this is it. Some truths are hard and real as the stars. I've had my first career; I succeeded at it generally (I never imagined myself at a community college in the old days, but I've found it's a very human and decent place). I can kick around more ideas, but every decade I wait all that changes. The only reason I'm considering waiting so long for seminary (well, actually, the idea does scare the pee out of me, so I'm holding my pee in too) is that my son just started ninth grade, and I don't want to move him until high school is over. I don't know if it matters as much for the priesthood, though, whether I'm 50 or 45 when I look for my first job.
As I've said already, my current job would be very tough to leave permanently: security, pay, retirement and freedom. I continue to learn as I move from literature series to literature series. Even lit. theory has begun to interest me as it intersects with philosophy. My mind is alive here.
And yet there is this nagging sense I'm cut out more perfectly for something else...is this persistent sense from me, or God? Does God actually call anyone into ministry? I mean, if I get knocked down walking home and hear the Voice and see the light that's one thing, but my vague sense...is that just me or God working? I am going to talk to my priest about this more; he wants to talk about it (apparently, to go to seminary, I'd have to get the Bishop's approval anyway). One thing he said in an email is that 'discernment is very difficult.' He is given to understatement, and I believe he spoke the truth. Discernment is very difficult. T
Though I haven't wanted to admit it, I am in fact beginning discernment. At least I have an income and time. Every decision is easier with those two things.
Pray for me, those who pray.
Oh, I am working on a longer post for What We Are 2.0, but I haven't had much time with S in grad school and all. I'll get it done, though.
Comments
sincere thanks. Your words are very beautiful. I think as I get closer to church work, maybe even do some teaching or visitation, I'll get a better feel for where I belong.
And if you're right, if God does call, then I assume he'll keep calling and eventually there will be no ambiguity about it.
The online M.Div. is a great idea, though I wouldn't have that "Hogwart's community" experience I crave. And I doubt my church would count it toward ordination because I assume these programs lack community service components. But all options count, and it would allow me to live where I do, teach where I do, and still do the academic work I crave. I will look into it.
t
I tried to leave a comment here earlier, but I broke my wrist playing tennis - maybe martial arts is safer after all - and the cast on my arm not only interfered with my typing, but ultimately clumsily erased the hard-typed comment entirely. I don't know which button it accidentally hit - I can barely control it.
Anyway, I hear you, and I feel you. I'm praying for you as you wrestle with the idea of calling, and I'll try to write more as I learn how to type with this cast on.
Chris
Ouch! Martial arts may not be safer, though, my back is still not better.
I hope your wrist heals so you can type on your own blog. I'm curious how the retail world is treating you.
t
Does the Episcopal Church have a program equivalent to the "Commissioned Lay Pastors" of the Presbyterian Church? We offer a special program specifically for those discerning a call to ministry, but not yet ready to devote themselves full time. It involves 2-3 years of weekend classes, a voluntary internship like you're speaking about, and potentially an eventual assignment (usually to a smaller congregation). I know many students who have gone through our CLP program and then gone on to seminary to (hopefully) become ordained ministers. Do you all have anything like that?
Amy
I actually don't know. But I'm sure if there is something like that I'll hear about it. Maybe I'll become a Presbyterian.
I have a feeling that while the E church is very democratic: priests are hired by a parish hiring committee, not assigned by the bishop, the hierarchy we've inherited from the ancient world and Rome is still very much in place. I can deal with that. Colleges are similar.
But thanks for the note. I'll keep my ears open.
t
Blessings in your exploration and discernment!
Dylan