I have been having a tough year, really, a tough few months, since our son left for college especially, though I was having some issues with depression/ocd before that. Lots of times I have wanted to blog about it, but I remembered this blog as a sort of quasi amateur theo-blog. I remembered writing posts here on the NT or whatever I was reading, but totally forgot how much I put my nuts out there all the time up here, five, six, seven years ago. I have been struggling with a very old obsession (teenage years) off and on, and putting off exposure exercises because, well, it's exposure work, and I was looking here to see when I did my last batch of it.
It was 2004 that I started with exposure therapy exercises, and then after a few months, did a little, like once a week, two years later, according to this blog anyway. But while I have told myself many times that the depression and anxiety I've had (again, off and on) since about June were unlike anything I've known since the mid nineties, and that still feels true, I am amazed how much hard work I was doing back in the mid oughts! I had forgotten until I read about it here. And man was I transparent on the blog!
So, while nobody may read this anymore (but I can point a few friends who really matter this way) I'm going back to the kind of writing I was doing five and more years ago up here. I cannot believe, cannot believe, I was posting here in 04, almost seven years ago. And so honestly, so from the heart, the soul!
Since it has been so long, and reading those old posts, let me share the good things:
My wife has a great job now, making good dough, and the pressures are off us there, even with a son in college. We have a housecleaner! She's only been here twice, but I think having a housecleaner is the most important thing in our budget besides true essentials. Like, I would quit drinking beer over losing the housekeeper if I had to, hah. This was something I wanted years ago and wrote about on the blog; should have done it years ago. Also, I think my wife and I are getting along better. The empty nest is a bitch, but we're working through it. I express myself, communicate, during or after conflicts better than I ever did in the old days, though I am still working on that! And I have a new, good, therapist. I'm using leadership skills at work and getting lots of confirmation for that; actually held back how much responsibility people wanted me to take this next year, waiting until I feel more ready. I'm feeling pretty sure I don't want to give up my job to become a priest, as cool as that might be. That was a very hard decision, and the first of the really hard things that began the ramp up to this depression/anxiety stuff more than a year ago now. There is always the diaconate, and life is long, but right now, I'm focusing on the job that pays my bills and keeps affirming me as I do more interesting things. Also, I love that we can support our son in college! Oh, and we moved closer to my work; I now live in civilization! Around people! Am at work four days a week, not two! I love every freaking piece of that. Long term goals accomplished, friends, critical changes have taken place for the good!
Other than that, my time is short, but let me say I've had insomnia, as I've written about below, and that the lunesta I took every night for four or five months just quit working very well. I see my psych in a week, am using xanax for sleep in the meantime (not the best, but the fucker did not return my call from earlier this week, maybe he misunderstood it; should I call again, tough for me to do that) so I am getting some sleep. I also just got an insomnia workbook, which I'm very excited about, and busted out my old ocd/exposure book. You know, I didn't even get very far in that Edna Foa exposure work book thing, like only into the first chapter or two of self help exercises, not even into the "intensive" section, but those exercises totally helped me.
I can honestly say I lived obsession free (not worry free, not without spending too much time in second life maybe) but obsession and depression free for several years. I looked on that stuff as past stuff. Pretty cool. I will do so again.
Anyway, no reason I can't spill my guts up here again. I don't think many people knew about this blog from my rl, and those that did I cared about. It helps to write, it helps to write, it really does help to write.
more later :)