Work and Fear
I know I've mentioned this website before, www.ratemyprofessor.com; I hate it. I don't even want to link it to my blog. I had some extra time at work today waiting for traffic to thin to head up the hill for my second anglican class, and I looked up someone else and ended up looking up myself. Yes, the reviews are generally quite positive. But those couple of students who slammed me...it makes me so hurt and angry, more than I should be. So I'm blowing it out here.
One student even knocked my Am. Lit. class on 2/1. The class began two weeks earlier. Two. So many things come to my mind: my dept. rotates lit classes so it's impossible to truly specialize. You get one three times in a row and then are bumped into something else. True, we all request what we get, but to make sure I get at least one lit. I've signed up for the entire brit. lit. and am. lit. surveys, plus myth and poetry. I actually like the variety of the changes, but it means I go into a new class reading along with my students that first semester. I don't know much of the literary criticism which accompanies the study of that material in graduate school, few of my students know that of course; fact is, I don't want to know the criticism. Maybe I'm embarassed to admit it, but the only critical apparatus I enjoy digging into is new testament stuff (and how highly I recommend Raymond Brown's intro to the nt, but more on him another time). Still, I think I'm a good reader of lit. and a gifted teacher. Maybe not as gifted as I think, though right now I'm fighting the other extreme: feeling like I suck based on two voices out of ten.
I've said I'm applying to another college in my district. And it turns out I'm applying, not as a transfer, but via the slush pile, one of two hundred probable applicants for two positions. Will I do well? Pretty well I'm sure. I interview and write well in that context. But knowing I'm going to be evaluated makes me more sensitive. I won't lose tenure no matter what happens (unless the governator does something drastic one day) but I don't relish the process. I haven't even updated my vita since I got my full-time job almost six years ago; boy is my work cut out for me. All is due in nine days.
I am hopeful I get to transfer, though I love my college and my colleagues. Living as far away as I do is lonely (though I'm feeling much more settled in the mountains than I was when I began this blog). Fear. It's just fear. Like Prufrock in Eliot's poem...wriggling on a pin.
Though I still hate that rating website. In genuine, in-class evals., you get a more complete picture. Those who post on the website seem to feel strongly one way or the other.
Growing up I was criticized so acutely, and had love and affection withheld so abruptly, that any little thing brings up that old pain. I already push myself as a teacher. Sure not every student, in every class, is happy; but I know I communicate well, understand writing process, am flexible with my students. There are probably some teachers who enjoy the depth of their negative score at that site. Like, ah, yes, I tortured a few more ignorants. The paper chase.
Hence, I'm going to stop being hard on myself. Where should I eat in town? Now there's a positive subject.
Whether I manage the move or not I'll be okay. In fact, the directive has just come down: thou shalt increase online or die. My dept., once to reticent, is now adding sections like crazy and looking for teachers and trainers. Ironic. My best friend here, one of my best friends in the world, asked me to team teach a class with him next year before I told him I was applying out. So I know even if my attempt to move fails, things will be challenging living so far from work, yes, but not catastrophic, and there will be some very good things happening at my current campus.
***
And on another note completely, I want to say I had a very nice valentine's evening with my wife. I'm very proud of her work in graduate school, of her growing professionalism and her wonderful mind. And I must say, she looked quite striking last night. Striking. The word fits. Beauty on the inside and the outside. And great tolerance, to love a man with all my flaws.
***
Finally, I enjoyed my first welcome to anglicanism class. When my priest asked us what we wanted out of it, I said I wanted to increase my faith, and he looked a little surprised. It's a historical, not an apologetic class so far. But next thing I know the guy next to me is talking about Raymond Brown, I asked my priest if I could borrow his nt intro, and I'm off. I want to write about his book in more depth, but to me it is a revelation, pun quite intended. An informed and aggressive redactive scholar who still finds the pure wisdom of the faith intact in the gospels. Not a media hugging fringer like Crossan with his quasi-marxist interpretations (and I shouldn't discount him so quickly, it's unfair) but not a every-word-must-fit in this innerrant document evangelical scholar either, a position I long ago abandoned with great anxiety. I used to think C.S. Lewis was the only orthodox non-innerrantist out there. Boy was I mistaken. Brown is brilliant, heavily read, clear-thinking...how many more like him are there for me to discover?
But enough of that. Another time. I have assessment essays to read...then dinner.
Peace to all. Thanks for letting me share.
One student even knocked my Am. Lit. class on 2/1. The class began two weeks earlier. Two. So many things come to my mind: my dept. rotates lit classes so it's impossible to truly specialize. You get one three times in a row and then are bumped into something else. True, we all request what we get, but to make sure I get at least one lit. I've signed up for the entire brit. lit. and am. lit. surveys, plus myth and poetry. I actually like the variety of the changes, but it means I go into a new class reading along with my students that first semester. I don't know much of the literary criticism which accompanies the study of that material in graduate school, few of my students know that of course; fact is, I don't want to know the criticism. Maybe I'm embarassed to admit it, but the only critical apparatus I enjoy digging into is new testament stuff (and how highly I recommend Raymond Brown's intro to the nt, but more on him another time). Still, I think I'm a good reader of lit. and a gifted teacher. Maybe not as gifted as I think, though right now I'm fighting the other extreme: feeling like I suck based on two voices out of ten.
I've said I'm applying to another college in my district. And it turns out I'm applying, not as a transfer, but via the slush pile, one of two hundred probable applicants for two positions. Will I do well? Pretty well I'm sure. I interview and write well in that context. But knowing I'm going to be evaluated makes me more sensitive. I won't lose tenure no matter what happens (unless the governator does something drastic one day) but I don't relish the process. I haven't even updated my vita since I got my full-time job almost six years ago; boy is my work cut out for me. All is due in nine days.
I am hopeful I get to transfer, though I love my college and my colleagues. Living as far away as I do is lonely (though I'm feeling much more settled in the mountains than I was when I began this blog). Fear. It's just fear. Like Prufrock in Eliot's poem...wriggling on a pin.
Though I still hate that rating website. In genuine, in-class evals., you get a more complete picture. Those who post on the website seem to feel strongly one way or the other.
Growing up I was criticized so acutely, and had love and affection withheld so abruptly, that any little thing brings up that old pain. I already push myself as a teacher. Sure not every student, in every class, is happy; but I know I communicate well, understand writing process, am flexible with my students. There are probably some teachers who enjoy the depth of their negative score at that site. Like, ah, yes, I tortured a few more ignorants. The paper chase.
Hence, I'm going to stop being hard on myself. Where should I eat in town? Now there's a positive subject.
Whether I manage the move or not I'll be okay. In fact, the directive has just come down: thou shalt increase online or die. My dept., once to reticent, is now adding sections like crazy and looking for teachers and trainers. Ironic. My best friend here, one of my best friends in the world, asked me to team teach a class with him next year before I told him I was applying out. So I know even if my attempt to move fails, things will be challenging living so far from work, yes, but not catastrophic, and there will be some very good things happening at my current campus.
***
And on another note completely, I want to say I had a very nice valentine's evening with my wife. I'm very proud of her work in graduate school, of her growing professionalism and her wonderful mind. And I must say, she looked quite striking last night. Striking. The word fits. Beauty on the inside and the outside. And great tolerance, to love a man with all my flaws.
***
Finally, I enjoyed my first welcome to anglicanism class. When my priest asked us what we wanted out of it, I said I wanted to increase my faith, and he looked a little surprised. It's a historical, not an apologetic class so far. But next thing I know the guy next to me is talking about Raymond Brown, I asked my priest if I could borrow his nt intro, and I'm off. I want to write about his book in more depth, but to me it is a revelation, pun quite intended. An informed and aggressive redactive scholar who still finds the pure wisdom of the faith intact in the gospels. Not a media hugging fringer like Crossan with his quasi-marxist interpretations (and I shouldn't discount him so quickly, it's unfair) but not a every-word-must-fit in this innerrant document evangelical scholar either, a position I long ago abandoned with great anxiety. I used to think C.S. Lewis was the only orthodox non-innerrantist out there. Boy was I mistaken. Brown is brilliant, heavily read, clear-thinking...how many more like him are there for me to discover?
But enough of that. Another time. I have assessment essays to read...then dinner.
Peace to all. Thanks for letting me share.
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