The Lighthouse
The little sailing I've done (and I've loved every little minute of it) has been in the daytime. When fog has suddenly formed, only once a truly thick fog, my skipper broke out the GPS. We didn't look for a lightouse. I have seen, and in part used, flashing light buoys, but never a true lighthouse. Not sailing. And in literature, the lighthouse is a metaphor for so many things it can be trite.
Still, it's the image that is coming to mind now. Or that has been on my mind the last three or four days.
I wrote here a while ago about considering the diaconate or (even) the priesthood! Being an Episcopalian, I can keep my wife, which is a good thing (actually, I think an already married Catholic might also be able to keep his spouse). Fact is, for a while I felt strongly about the idea, then it went away, lost in a jumble of student papers and novels I'm reading for my Am. Lit. class. Like a lighthouse beam. The rotating kind. When it hits, it completely envelops; when it passes, it's quietly absent.
After an absence, the light is back.
I continue to pursue answers to my questions about my faith. Some of this happens in EFM, but since we're in Isaiah and that, frankly, is in places nearly as opaque as Joyce's Ulysses...at least the way most scholars read it now...revisionist layer on revisionist layer...ancient military history as provincial and obscure as something out of Age of Empires...these days I'm more engrossed by NT studies. Witherington's Quest book, Sanders' Historical Figure, stuff like that. Some things I buy, some I check out of Steph's University library, some I simply sit down in Border's and read for two hours. Hey, that's what those chairs are for! When I get the dough, I'll start Wright's three volume series on Jesus which I know is nearly without parallel (his Christian faith notwithstanding). I have read him in Border's, but the books are too long to get very far in before my poor wife finds me in some corner and shuffles over, exhausted, to ask me when we are going to leave!
I do know I want, or would very much life, a seminary education in New Testament. It takes three years for an M.Div. and I've already met with a Dean and talked to my rector about it (there are other degrees, the more focused Th.M., but it's tougher to work with such an academic degree). Of course, I need to meet with my own Dean, but I know I can take two years off without losing my position, probably swing three through one of several creative means, and when Mikey goes to college in four years (here's to hoping he does) S and I are talking seriously about moving to Berkeley, to CDSP, and letting me go back to being a poor graduate student. Come to think of it, being a poor theology graduate student sounds even more pitiful than a poor English graduate student.
After that (if that happens in four years) we'll see. I could come back here and keep my tenure and work in the church as I can. Or, I might seek ordination for vocation, but I'm ahead of myself on that.
As I said, the lighthouse beam hits, grips, then slips away. Each time it sweeps over me I believe I will get a clearer vision of what's in that light, of where I want to be. I have tenure now; who the heck throws away tenure? Several years of decision, and more than one decision, lie ahead and only time will tell if I stay a layperson, become a layperson with a degree (just for kicks), join the diaconate, or become a priest (either keeping my English job or starting a whole new career). It's an exciting time, really, an alive time. To be 41 and looking at options the way a 21 year old does. Life is so short.
As far as I can tell, our biology proceeds on this planet without divine intervention or purpose (though not always). Meaning I could die or become ill at any time. It's the way the human body works. All the more reason to consider this carefully and seriously.
Have to run. Whatever happens, you can bet my decision will unfold here. Blog is good.
Still, it's the image that is coming to mind now. Or that has been on my mind the last three or four days.
I wrote here a while ago about considering the diaconate or (even) the priesthood! Being an Episcopalian, I can keep my wife, which is a good thing (actually, I think an already married Catholic might also be able to keep his spouse). Fact is, for a while I felt strongly about the idea, then it went away, lost in a jumble of student papers and novels I'm reading for my Am. Lit. class. Like a lighthouse beam. The rotating kind. When it hits, it completely envelops; when it passes, it's quietly absent.
After an absence, the light is back.
I continue to pursue answers to my questions about my faith. Some of this happens in EFM, but since we're in Isaiah and that, frankly, is in places nearly as opaque as Joyce's Ulysses...at least the way most scholars read it now...revisionist layer on revisionist layer...ancient military history as provincial and obscure as something out of Age of Empires...these days I'm more engrossed by NT studies. Witherington's Quest book, Sanders' Historical Figure, stuff like that. Some things I buy, some I check out of Steph's University library, some I simply sit down in Border's and read for two hours. Hey, that's what those chairs are for! When I get the dough, I'll start Wright's three volume series on Jesus which I know is nearly without parallel (his Christian faith notwithstanding). I have read him in Border's, but the books are too long to get very far in before my poor wife finds me in some corner and shuffles over, exhausted, to ask me when we are going to leave!
I do know I want, or would very much life, a seminary education in New Testament. It takes three years for an M.Div. and I've already met with a Dean and talked to my rector about it (there are other degrees, the more focused Th.M., but it's tougher to work with such an academic degree). Of course, I need to meet with my own Dean, but I know I can take two years off without losing my position, probably swing three through one of several creative means, and when Mikey goes to college in four years (here's to hoping he does) S and I are talking seriously about moving to Berkeley, to CDSP, and letting me go back to being a poor graduate student. Come to think of it, being a poor theology graduate student sounds even more pitiful than a poor English graduate student.
After that (if that happens in four years) we'll see. I could come back here and keep my tenure and work in the church as I can. Or, I might seek ordination for vocation, but I'm ahead of myself on that.
As I said, the lighthouse beam hits, grips, then slips away. Each time it sweeps over me I believe I will get a clearer vision of what's in that light, of where I want to be. I have tenure now; who the heck throws away tenure? Several years of decision, and more than one decision, lie ahead and only time will tell if I stay a layperson, become a layperson with a degree (just for kicks), join the diaconate, or become a priest (either keeping my English job or starting a whole new career). It's an exciting time, really, an alive time. To be 41 and looking at options the way a 21 year old does. Life is so short.
As far as I can tell, our biology proceeds on this planet without divine intervention or purpose (though not always). Meaning I could die or become ill at any time. It's the way the human body works. All the more reason to consider this carefully and seriously.
Have to run. Whatever happens, you can bet my decision will unfold here. Blog is good.
Comments
I've had some of the same struggles. I would really like to go into academia, but I don't think I can do that to my family. We've been through too much lately for me to pick us up and move us just to chase after a degree which may never turn into an actual job. I should start law school this fall, but studying law has never gripped me quite like studying theology. I've been trying to do it on my own, with some success, but that's not the same as being surrounded by faculty and students wrestling with the same issues.
I'm not sure there's a right answer, but I do know that, even if you will always remain a lay person, you can never study too much (assuming that study doesn't take the place of practice for you).
Blessings on the journey.
I too think it is exciting that you are considering things at 41 like one might at 21. Kudos to your wife for considering with and supporting you.