A Brief Return
thanks, Romy and Sandalstraps, for the kind comments below. And I will make the post Sandalstraps links my next online read. But in some ways I've enjoyed the break. Various things have come to me:
One, while online communication provides a certain kind of intimacy, it is the weakest of nearly all kinds. If I spend too much time up here, I neglect some of my own needs. Of course, balance is key. I'd be very sad if I knew I could never read any of the blogs I read, or if those people (who I wished lived in my town so we could all have dinner at my house) who read this blog quit reading me altogether. Still, I think almost all who blog know the feeling I mean.
Two, it's too easy to graze up here with my reading. All my friends write thoughtful posts, but learning about my faith or issues with my faith, must at least in part be accomplished through non-online reading. You know, books. I have Wright's first massive Jesus volume on the way and I'm hoping I have the chutzpah to read the entire series. The vast Jesus war online, those writing to defend the faith and those writing to pull people away from it, is intriguing, perhaps too much so. I can't forget my own spiritual practice, weak as it is. The Christian life is not primarily argument, perhaps not even primarily thought. It is faith and love and hope, and for lack of a better term, a distinct attitude towards one's place in the cosmos. I have much to learn here, as I gravitate towards ideas more easily than individuals, but I do know I can't figure out every issue and build an impenetrable superstructure before I begin to trust God's love. Sandalstraps recommended Fear and Trembling and the quote on the cover page alone, something like...the message was understood by the son but not the messenger...I find very powerful, even, dare I say it, empirically powerful, as I review the blogs of those on both sides.
Three, I passed bareboat. I truly did. The written tests were pretty tough, and the on-water time began badly as I left the transmission in reverse and idled back out of the slip, the prop walk insidiously dragging me towards moored boats. We got out of that tight corner, but it was a tricky start. In contrast, the rest of the weekend went very well, except that I missed my family so much I drank more beer (alone, in the local brewery, trying to look like I understood the basketball game on the television) than I needed to Saturday night and was just slightly hung over Sunday. That slight dehydrated hangover becomes, I learned, genuine sea sickness on the ocean swells. Did I puke? No, but the mal de mar, that awful little seizure in the brain, was breaking through in spite of the meclizine and it ruined an otherwise beautiful day. I still managed to demonstrate the skills necessary to pass, but next time I go I'm wearing the scop patch and not drinking.
On that note, I'm going again this weekend, once more without S! I'm tired of going without her, but she works three straight twelves, we're going on vacation for most of June right after, and I want to play skipper and practice the stuff I just learned before we're into July. Two other collegues from my work are going, but I will miss her.
I think I'm done counting after three.
If anyone who reads like sea stories, may I recommend Jan de Hartog? He's a Dutchman who writes in English, and his novels are pretty good; The Call of the Sea, and especially The Distant Shore should be read by all sailors and scuba divers. He's better than London, and I still have to teach JL in my classes at least a little. Along with people in the canon who have even less talent than London. Why? Because we've always done it that way!
On a final note, I'm going through (another) tough time. Intimacy is very hard for me and I have to work for each minute I get with my wife where I feel close, where I can be non-judgemental, non-critical, non-anxious, mentally present. In significant ways our relationship is stronger than ever (ten years together now) in other ways it seems weaker to me. Regardless, I rarely find it easy, and my depression/anger and OCD are critical challenges for me still though I do slowly improve. Slowly. All the old patterns, angers and moods from childhood, plus the baggage from my abuse as an adult...I think I need to write more about that, and perhaps start doing so here again.
On the truly final note, almost an appended aside, while there is much in the Christian religion which I find challenging, it is, at its core, the grandest and most humane of all world faiths. Like Frederick Douglass (and for that matter Jesus) I'm separating the true from the false. Yes viewing the bible as a collection of human books which are imperfect, including the gospels, is very tough. So is the thread of judgement in the NT. I still find human suffering a difficult thing in light of my faith (and that's one place, perhaps, those who believe in karma can take solace: this little girl died of cancer because in her past life she was a self-centered truck driver who cheated on his wife).
Incidentally, I have one friend who believes Jesus died for the sins of all and we're all going to be with him in the next life. Let's hope he's right.
Those of you who pray, please say a quick prayer for me. I'm in a tough-faith state right now, holding everything up for question, and I crave the sense of wholeness and direction my Christianity has, at times, given me.
Now I do indeed need to go. I'll be reading my friends' blogs this week, catching up. For now, back to the non-virtual world.
One, while online communication provides a certain kind of intimacy, it is the weakest of nearly all kinds. If I spend too much time up here, I neglect some of my own needs. Of course, balance is key. I'd be very sad if I knew I could never read any of the blogs I read, or if those people (who I wished lived in my town so we could all have dinner at my house) who read this blog quit reading me altogether. Still, I think almost all who blog know the feeling I mean.
Two, it's too easy to graze up here with my reading. All my friends write thoughtful posts, but learning about my faith or issues with my faith, must at least in part be accomplished through non-online reading. You know, books. I have Wright's first massive Jesus volume on the way and I'm hoping I have the chutzpah to read the entire series. The vast Jesus war online, those writing to defend the faith and those writing to pull people away from it, is intriguing, perhaps too much so. I can't forget my own spiritual practice, weak as it is. The Christian life is not primarily argument, perhaps not even primarily thought. It is faith and love and hope, and for lack of a better term, a distinct attitude towards one's place in the cosmos. I have much to learn here, as I gravitate towards ideas more easily than individuals, but I do know I can't figure out every issue and build an impenetrable superstructure before I begin to trust God's love. Sandalstraps recommended Fear and Trembling and the quote on the cover page alone, something like...the message was understood by the son but not the messenger...I find very powerful, even, dare I say it, empirically powerful, as I review the blogs of those on both sides.
Three, I passed bareboat. I truly did. The written tests were pretty tough, and the on-water time began badly as I left the transmission in reverse and idled back out of the slip, the prop walk insidiously dragging me towards moored boats. We got out of that tight corner, but it was a tricky start. In contrast, the rest of the weekend went very well, except that I missed my family so much I drank more beer (alone, in the local brewery, trying to look like I understood the basketball game on the television) than I needed to Saturday night and was just slightly hung over Sunday. That slight dehydrated hangover becomes, I learned, genuine sea sickness on the ocean swells. Did I puke? No, but the mal de mar, that awful little seizure in the brain, was breaking through in spite of the meclizine and it ruined an otherwise beautiful day. I still managed to demonstrate the skills necessary to pass, but next time I go I'm wearing the scop patch and not drinking.
On that note, I'm going again this weekend, once more without S! I'm tired of going without her, but she works three straight twelves, we're going on vacation for most of June right after, and I want to play skipper and practice the stuff I just learned before we're into July. Two other collegues from my work are going, but I will miss her.
I think I'm done counting after three.
If anyone who reads like sea stories, may I recommend Jan de Hartog? He's a Dutchman who writes in English, and his novels are pretty good; The Call of the Sea, and especially The Distant Shore should be read by all sailors and scuba divers. He's better than London, and I still have to teach JL in my classes at least a little. Along with people in the canon who have even less talent than London. Why? Because we've always done it that way!
On a final note, I'm going through (another) tough time. Intimacy is very hard for me and I have to work for each minute I get with my wife where I feel close, where I can be non-judgemental, non-critical, non-anxious, mentally present. In significant ways our relationship is stronger than ever (ten years together now) in other ways it seems weaker to me. Regardless, I rarely find it easy, and my depression/anger and OCD are critical challenges for me still though I do slowly improve. Slowly. All the old patterns, angers and moods from childhood, plus the baggage from my abuse as an adult...I think I need to write more about that, and perhaps start doing so here again.
On the truly final note, almost an appended aside, while there is much in the Christian religion which I find challenging, it is, at its core, the grandest and most humane of all world faiths. Like Frederick Douglass (and for that matter Jesus) I'm separating the true from the false. Yes viewing the bible as a collection of human books which are imperfect, including the gospels, is very tough. So is the thread of judgement in the NT. I still find human suffering a difficult thing in light of my faith (and that's one place, perhaps, those who believe in karma can take solace: this little girl died of cancer because in her past life she was a self-centered truck driver who cheated on his wife).
Incidentally, I have one friend who believes Jesus died for the sins of all and we're all going to be with him in the next life. Let's hope he's right.
Those of you who pray, please say a quick prayer for me. I'm in a tough-faith state right now, holding everything up for question, and I crave the sense of wholeness and direction my Christianity has, at times, given me.
Now I do indeed need to go. I'll be reading my friends' blogs this week, catching up. For now, back to the non-virtual world.
Comments
Congrats on the bareboat thing. Could not do it myself, though I have been hung over before while on a boat. It leaves an impression.
Glad to hear that you and S are going on a much deserved joint vacation. When I'm in D.C. for a week at a time without my wife, my sense are dullled and my experiences less rich. Time together is good.
As always, you are on my daily list for prayer. Keep me in mind also as I begin this huge move to a new world up north.
Peace.
you know I think of you often, and thank you for the kind words.
t