Sitting in my office with twenty minutes to go until my next class. This will be a busy semester; two basic intro to grammar courses, one lit., two online advance comps and one face to face comp. 16 units. Six classes. Ow. And that does not include any overload; this is my normal load.

My first response to Brian's book is already pretty long, sitting on my desktop at home; I was hoping it was in blogger's server so I could tinker with it but no such luck. I must upload it. This is just quickie blog, a few thoughts tossed out from a slight sense of being overwhelmed, a little loneliness, and a touch of confusion.

My basic grammar classes look very much now like they did when I taught them in so. cal. I mean the students. My college now is as diverse as the truly urban colleges where I cut my composition teeth. It is moving to see students begin their college careers with me in a class so far below freshman level; some will make it all the way through college; many will not. But they are a fun bunch to work with because they are so damned grateful when they can tell an instructor is trying. And in that class, most days, I try so hard I burn calories.

What else? My marriage is stronger every season, my therapy going well and due to end this spring (my therapist is retiring). I have more freedom from depression and even the sticky cling hell of obsession than I have ever had. Less anxiety than I have ever had. In short, my life is getting close to normal! Or whatever normal is. It has been such an adventure, such a dramatic and enthralling and difficult journey. If nothing else, my recovery story must be written, here or elsewhere. I am not sure when, but it will be done. I think many would benefit from my own journey to health...over two decades, with plot twists, villains and heroes...and all truth! I will get there. It would be deeply therapeutic for me to write it as well.

I am still considering entering Episcopal seminary in two to five years, after my son is out of high school, if all could fit with my family's life. My wife finishes grad school this spring and it has been a long, long road for us. Surely for me! I have tried to be a Christian servant and think I have done that. I am not sure I am ready to put another one of us into grad school, but I have time to think as my son still has two years of high school to go and we won't move him during that time.

But one overarching thing is clear to me: to enter priesthood, especially preiesthood, I believe I need to develop my faith. I read Luke while reading Brian just to keep my NT bearings, and I am reminded how the literary puzzles of that book, and the other gospels, out puzzle almost anything I've read. The literary and historic issues alone are enormous, but Jesus intentionally spoke in parables, in the constant metaphor of apocalypse, and he puzzles me as a reader at times as he puzzled so many who heard him in person. But while I struggle with other issues when I consider the priesthood...pay, benefits, retirement, job security, the nature of the job itself...I know my always dialectic faith would be an issue. At least in parish ministry. All this may change! I may find myself with a clear call and vision...I scarily say I hope so, but I am not there at this moment.

I used to know this much: I wanted to study the NT in a scholarly-spiritual setting. I still do. I have told myself many times that if I could do it over I would enter grad school for NT studies and pursue a career as an NT scholar...in my early 20's and not early 40's! That interest is still with me, though I am more aware than I used to be that such an education might build a richer faith foundation, but it would not answer all my questions or build a faith foundation out of nothing. I'll add to that interest, though, my very powerful experiences being an EM, or Eucharistic Minister. "May the body and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ keep you in eternal life." Praying that with each person at the altar...it is so emotionally powerful! It is a unique form of connection, of giving...and it is one of the key things priests do?

I have to run, but I think of Jesus noting that no man builds a tower without first looking into the costs and problems down the road; I contrast that with the rapid response of the apostles when called, as their response is described. Jesus says follow me, they go. Things that once seemed immovable in my life have moved, like my OCD. What awaits next?

see you soon


Oh, for such a unity of vision!

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