Just Thoughts
nice to be back in blog :)
First, while I find it a nice idea to write four posts on the issues dividing TEC as I suggest belwow, all I can offer when I do get to those is my own opinion. It is a real goal in my life to get an actual graduate theological education, but in the meantime, I can do nothing but offer personal thought processes. Even then, it may take me a year to write the posts, and this blog has always been more about the private than the public (I couldn't even find it in google today). Maybe writing those posts will serve more to orient me than to reach anyone else. Who knows.
Second, reading at Sandalstraps again has been wonderful. What a heart that man has. I find discernment, right now, to be emotionally taxing. Maybe it shouldn't be or doesn't have to be, but when I felt the desire/call to begin work in the Episcopal community at this convention, I hadn't even been in a great spiritual place before that weekend. I was letting my doubt side dominate my faith side. Still practicing my faith, but so stymied by the biological realities of being human (random death and suffering) that I was spiritually stuck, stagnant. Then, out of nowhere, all this talk about discernment among the people I was with all weekend (perhaps because I turned the all on to the Lagavulin 16) and then even more out of nowhere, that urge to "use my gifts in this community." That strikingly powerful Eucharist the final day. I don't think I have even told that story here. If not I will.
But lately, reading at scribere orare est (another great blog; lately it has been both personal and rather like wonderful reality Christian television as Jared takes his Orders) I find myself stranded considering the role of priests, the nature of priesthood. Just what the hell am I getting into anyway? Whatever it is, I have to be able to my real self; it has to be an expression of who I actually am.
I know from my last conversation with my priest the Evangelical model still dominates in my mind: gifted teaching as the center, the Pastor/Priest as the personality holding much of the community together. I don't think that is the usual liturgical model. And then I wondered about just what priests can and cannot do. I think of a story a good friend told me, a spiritual person but not necessarily a Christian (though I don't know). His father attended seminary when he was beginning college and my friend asked a priest whether he should pursue engineering or social work. The priest told him engineering. He is now a social worker and fantastic in his field. He shared that story as if it was a spiritually significant event. Sighs. I always think: specialism matters. If I want therapy, I find a good and experienced therapist; if I want my car worked on, I find a good mechanic; so what should/do priests get sought out for? What is their specialty?
To add to the complexity: it is no secret on this blog I suffered from major depressions, anxiety and OCD. I am relatively depression free, certainly the serious deep stuff (and this is a story I have never told in detail here; I just have not wanted to go back and remember those years, but let me tell you all, they were dramatic, explosive, hellish, and grim). I am also generally free of clinical obsession. I need more therapy, I have decided, to work on myself emotionally. But how did I get healed from that deep, deep sickness in my mind, heart, soul? Did God or a priest heal me? No. I say in all fairness, skeptic that I am, that on one or two occasions God indeed seemed to intervene, and he may have been involved more than that. But I was healed by no magic. A tenacious committment to therapy did it. Years of therapy. One of my therapists was a Christian, one wasn't (I don't count the one that took my wife...but he was a Christian too). Whatever priests are, they aren't Gandalf, magicians, seers, magical healers. They aren't therapists. Therapy itself, the thing that has completely changed me, uses technology not explicitly found in the bible. I have a lot to sift, you see.
And I find all that frustrating, painful, even (technically) depressing. I am evaluated at my teaching job, now that I have tenure, every 3 years. I always expect my evals to be awful, I go in ready for the criticism. This year, as last time also, no recommendations for improvement at all. Even my Dean, work-ethiced boy scout that he is (and I love him) had nothing but admiration for my student evals. But so far, I have not found my ministerial niche in my own parish. (Or maybe I have and don't know it). Besides reading and chalice bearing, both of which I love...the little marriage class my wife and I have been hosting has kind of fallen apart, partly because I've been too busy with the job that actually pays me to schedule the meetings far enough in advance. Maybe not that, who knows. But I am used to teaching in a very structured environment, with certain expectations and settings. Translating that to parish life; confusion and dismay. I don't know. I knew my discernment would take a long time. I hope I'm not too old for my diocese already. Bottom line is I'm scared.
I need to talk to more people. My priest, yes, but more people. People in the field, people who walk spiritual journeys as a vocation. Cause right now, if God did "call" me, I'd have to tell him: you sure you're not mistaken? Maybe it was the guy behind me in the communion line. Lots of fear.
Of course, I was afraid to get married, am afraid to fly still, am afraid of being close, afraid of people's anger, afraid of criticism, afraid of failure, afraid to trust. Plenty of things I am afraid of are good things. I remind myself of that.
Pray for me, those who pray.
We'll be out of town two weeks and likely not in the blog. As we always used to say when I was in grade school, the day before winter break, "see you next year."
First, while I find it a nice idea to write four posts on the issues dividing TEC as I suggest belwow, all I can offer when I do get to those is my own opinion. It is a real goal in my life to get an actual graduate theological education, but in the meantime, I can do nothing but offer personal thought processes. Even then, it may take me a year to write the posts, and this blog has always been more about the private than the public (I couldn't even find it in google today). Maybe writing those posts will serve more to orient me than to reach anyone else. Who knows.
Second, reading at Sandalstraps again has been wonderful. What a heart that man has. I find discernment, right now, to be emotionally taxing. Maybe it shouldn't be or doesn't have to be, but when I felt the desire/call to begin work in the Episcopal community at this convention, I hadn't even been in a great spiritual place before that weekend. I was letting my doubt side dominate my faith side. Still practicing my faith, but so stymied by the biological realities of being human (random death and suffering) that I was spiritually stuck, stagnant. Then, out of nowhere, all this talk about discernment among the people I was with all weekend (perhaps because I turned the all on to the Lagavulin 16) and then even more out of nowhere, that urge to "use my gifts in this community." That strikingly powerful Eucharist the final day. I don't think I have even told that story here. If not I will.
But lately, reading at scribere orare est (another great blog; lately it has been both personal and rather like wonderful reality Christian television as Jared takes his Orders) I find myself stranded considering the role of priests, the nature of priesthood. Just what the hell am I getting into anyway? Whatever it is, I have to be able to my real self; it has to be an expression of who I actually am.
I know from my last conversation with my priest the Evangelical model still dominates in my mind: gifted teaching as the center, the Pastor/Priest as the personality holding much of the community together. I don't think that is the usual liturgical model. And then I wondered about just what priests can and cannot do. I think of a story a good friend told me, a spiritual person but not necessarily a Christian (though I don't know). His father attended seminary when he was beginning college and my friend asked a priest whether he should pursue engineering or social work. The priest told him engineering. He is now a social worker and fantastic in his field. He shared that story as if it was a spiritually significant event. Sighs. I always think: specialism matters. If I want therapy, I find a good and experienced therapist; if I want my car worked on, I find a good mechanic; so what should/do priests get sought out for? What is their specialty?
To add to the complexity: it is no secret on this blog I suffered from major depressions, anxiety and OCD. I am relatively depression free, certainly the serious deep stuff (and this is a story I have never told in detail here; I just have not wanted to go back and remember those years, but let me tell you all, they were dramatic, explosive, hellish, and grim). I am also generally free of clinical obsession. I need more therapy, I have decided, to work on myself emotionally. But how did I get healed from that deep, deep sickness in my mind, heart, soul? Did God or a priest heal me? No. I say in all fairness, skeptic that I am, that on one or two occasions God indeed seemed to intervene, and he may have been involved more than that. But I was healed by no magic. A tenacious committment to therapy did it. Years of therapy. One of my therapists was a Christian, one wasn't (I don't count the one that took my wife...but he was a Christian too). Whatever priests are, they aren't Gandalf, magicians, seers, magical healers. They aren't therapists. Therapy itself, the thing that has completely changed me, uses technology not explicitly found in the bible. I have a lot to sift, you see.
And I find all that frustrating, painful, even (technically) depressing. I am evaluated at my teaching job, now that I have tenure, every 3 years. I always expect my evals to be awful, I go in ready for the criticism. This year, as last time also, no recommendations for improvement at all. Even my Dean, work-ethiced boy scout that he is (and I love him) had nothing but admiration for my student evals. But so far, I have not found my ministerial niche in my own parish. (Or maybe I have and don't know it). Besides reading and chalice bearing, both of which I love...the little marriage class my wife and I have been hosting has kind of fallen apart, partly because I've been too busy with the job that actually pays me to schedule the meetings far enough in advance. Maybe not that, who knows. But I am used to teaching in a very structured environment, with certain expectations and settings. Translating that to parish life; confusion and dismay. I don't know. I knew my discernment would take a long time. I hope I'm not too old for my diocese already. Bottom line is I'm scared.
I need to talk to more people. My priest, yes, but more people. People in the field, people who walk spiritual journeys as a vocation. Cause right now, if God did "call" me, I'd have to tell him: you sure you're not mistaken? Maybe it was the guy behind me in the communion line. Lots of fear.
Of course, I was afraid to get married, am afraid to fly still, am afraid of being close, afraid of people's anger, afraid of criticism, afraid of failure, afraid to trust. Plenty of things I am afraid of are good things. I remind myself of that.
Pray for me, those who pray.
We'll be out of town two weeks and likely not in the blog. As we always used to say when I was in grade school, the day before winter break, "see you next year."
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