Christmas Rappings
S and I spent two weeks away, Christmas and New Year's, most of it with family in so. cal., three wonderful days in San Fran including New Year's Eve itself. The odd thing is that I got food poisoning my first day back with family (ate out twice, can't say which place) and was sick with that for two or three days. Then a cold set in just a couple of days later so I was sick the entire time in San Fran. Not real sick, a cold only, but not that has (as always) settled into my chest. I beat bronchitis this time, remarkably; I get the wicked bronch. But I took a dose of narcotic cough syrup last night and tonight to help me sleep without hacking still, and my snoring is so bad my poor wife ended up on the couch last night and I volunteered tonight. She goes back to work tomorrow; I'm off for another week or so though I have some work to do to get ready for the semester, not much for at least a week. Heck, I don't even know the exact day school starts. Nice job.
I have a ton of things to talk about. I want to babble here; I love that I can. So, babble on.
For one, I went to a great Episcopal church in Long Beach, St. Luke's. The rector there manages to have traditional worship and music (and a stunning choir); all the formality I have become familiar with. But more importantly, the parish is very diverse, highly welcoming. A gay men's spirituality group, gay couples, straight couples, all ages and colors. A very nice thing to see in any church but especially my own denomination. We visited twice; my hat off to him. I hope I can speak with him some day in more depth to see how he did and does it.
For two, I had a couple of great phone conversations with Sandalstraps. What a remarkable man he is. I am glad we spoke, and I at least hope to make that semi-regular.
For three, I spent some great time with family and friends; S and I had to dig pretty deep in and through our own stuff (and how much farther I have to grow is continually apparent). As always, I love time in San Francisco. What can I say about that town? Eat, drink, walk, eat and drink some more; MOMA, architecture...authentic Italian for a two hour lunch and French for a three hour dinner. As I always say, it is a great place to bleed money. If we had more, I'd go more often than I do. And it was great to spend New Year's Eve in a little hotel room with good friend, eating great munchies (if fresh bread, camembert cheese and truffle salt count as munchies). Even sick, I love the City.
But now for the rest. As I said, a lot of my vacation was hard emotional work. Within my relationship, yes. We came out stronger, but two weeks vacation with so many family of origin moments is challenging. I feel good about my love right now; it feels much stronger, or I do anyway within it, than when I started this blog. I thank God and lots of therapy and a loving wife for the outcome.
Oh, the cough medicine is making me a bit sleepy.
Discernment was very hard over the last month or so. It did not feel like a relaxed and organic God-supported journey; it felt like shit. Fear mostly. Lots of fear. My mom tried everything to talk me out of it when I told her; she means well in her frantic terror way, but she told me stories about how congregations turn on pastors, etc. If I have time, I'll rewrite the conversation up here. What I just said does not do it justice. It seems every part of me is getting squeezed in a garlic press. My own doubt/faith issues; more so the last few days, as I relax on my long Christmas vacation and watch my paycheck roll in, the amazing nature of my own job. I do not have a shitty job. I have a great job. There are things about it which grind, yes; too many papers! And it keeps me so busy I feel intellectually limited. I mean I need something more: more education, a real attempt at a writing career, something. But let me say, teaching community college pays well enough and gives me a real life most of the year. Much of it is interesting and fun. Why chuck that for so much uncertainty? And at my age, now mid 40's? Those continue to strike me as very good questions.
What is wrong with financial security, with lack of drama? I am one of those people who never stops re inventing my self; someone who never wants to stop growing and learning and changing. I would do more of this if I did not live to far from colleges (including my own) where I could take French, philosophy, things I missed as an undergrad. Is the priest thing just another curious journey? If so, why toss my livelihood for it? I could surely travel as the years go by and S begins to make a full salary and my own salary goes up. Yes, these are good questions even if I have raised them before.
So right now, I feel awfully cautious about entering ministry. Is that the word? Maybe exhausted from the emotional stress of seriously considering it and taking a break. That might be the best description.
Oh, I've read Genesis and Exodus and am almost done with Lev. Very interesting. I read them before, in EFM, but my mental background was pretty fundamentalist and I was overwhelmed, shocked even, by the human content of the OT. Now, coming back and reading from the other side, with a "low" view of scripture, I find much of interest. I also had some very good discussions with my brother who is an evangelical, fundamentalist I guess. No, I'm not going back, but I have put all my energy into NT studies and find the Torah exponentially more complex than the gospels.
And finally, my own little parish continues to struggle. It needs help, every body that can contribute must, and I have contributed a lot already. Enough said there. I want to visit a parish or two not that much farther than mine. If I left my parish I'd feel like a complete ass. But I know my son has suffered from not having a genuine youth community; my wife has felt the lack of community; so have I. There are some very sweet people there, people we like, and maybe they are enough. I can't imagine the original house churches were much different in size than what we have (30 or so) in our later service. Well, I don't really want to go into details here, even on this blog.
Oh, enjoying Made Men on DVD. We saw season two before season one, and working through one now; recommended fiction, that.
And this is really all I have. It's late; I haven't been able to blog while away, even when I really needed to, so this is my sort of catch up. More focused posts to come later.
Love to all.
I have a ton of things to talk about. I want to babble here; I love that I can. So, babble on.
For one, I went to a great Episcopal church in Long Beach, St. Luke's. The rector there manages to have traditional worship and music (and a stunning choir); all the formality I have become familiar with. But more importantly, the parish is very diverse, highly welcoming. A gay men's spirituality group, gay couples, straight couples, all ages and colors. A very nice thing to see in any church but especially my own denomination. We visited twice; my hat off to him. I hope I can speak with him some day in more depth to see how he did and does it.
For two, I had a couple of great phone conversations with Sandalstraps. What a remarkable man he is. I am glad we spoke, and I at least hope to make that semi-regular.
For three, I spent some great time with family and friends; S and I had to dig pretty deep in and through our own stuff (and how much farther I have to grow is continually apparent). As always, I love time in San Francisco. What can I say about that town? Eat, drink, walk, eat and drink some more; MOMA, architecture...authentic Italian for a two hour lunch and French for a three hour dinner. As I always say, it is a great place to bleed money. If we had more, I'd go more often than I do. And it was great to spend New Year's Eve in a little hotel room with good friend, eating great munchies (if fresh bread, camembert cheese and truffle salt count as munchies). Even sick, I love the City.
But now for the rest. As I said, a lot of my vacation was hard emotional work. Within my relationship, yes. We came out stronger, but two weeks vacation with so many family of origin moments is challenging. I feel good about my love right now; it feels much stronger, or I do anyway within it, than when I started this blog. I thank God and lots of therapy and a loving wife for the outcome.
Oh, the cough medicine is making me a bit sleepy.
Discernment was very hard over the last month or so. It did not feel like a relaxed and organic God-supported journey; it felt like shit. Fear mostly. Lots of fear. My mom tried everything to talk me out of it when I told her; she means well in her frantic terror way, but she told me stories about how congregations turn on pastors, etc. If I have time, I'll rewrite the conversation up here. What I just said does not do it justice. It seems every part of me is getting squeezed in a garlic press. My own doubt/faith issues; more so the last few days, as I relax on my long Christmas vacation and watch my paycheck roll in, the amazing nature of my own job. I do not have a shitty job. I have a great job. There are things about it which grind, yes; too many papers! And it keeps me so busy I feel intellectually limited. I mean I need something more: more education, a real attempt at a writing career, something. But let me say, teaching community college pays well enough and gives me a real life most of the year. Much of it is interesting and fun. Why chuck that for so much uncertainty? And at my age, now mid 40's? Those continue to strike me as very good questions.
What is wrong with financial security, with lack of drama? I am one of those people who never stops re inventing my self; someone who never wants to stop growing and learning and changing. I would do more of this if I did not live to far from colleges (including my own) where I could take French, philosophy, things I missed as an undergrad. Is the priest thing just another curious journey? If so, why toss my livelihood for it? I could surely travel as the years go by and S begins to make a full salary and my own salary goes up. Yes, these are good questions even if I have raised them before.
So right now, I feel awfully cautious about entering ministry. Is that the word? Maybe exhausted from the emotional stress of seriously considering it and taking a break. That might be the best description.
Oh, I've read Genesis and Exodus and am almost done with Lev. Very interesting. I read them before, in EFM, but my mental background was pretty fundamentalist and I was overwhelmed, shocked even, by the human content of the OT. Now, coming back and reading from the other side, with a "low" view of scripture, I find much of interest. I also had some very good discussions with my brother who is an evangelical, fundamentalist I guess. No, I'm not going back, but I have put all my energy into NT studies and find the Torah exponentially more complex than the gospels.
And finally, my own little parish continues to struggle. It needs help, every body that can contribute must, and I have contributed a lot already. Enough said there. I want to visit a parish or two not that much farther than mine. If I left my parish I'd feel like a complete ass. But I know my son has suffered from not having a genuine youth community; my wife has felt the lack of community; so have I. There are some very sweet people there, people we like, and maybe they are enough. I can't imagine the original house churches were much different in size than what we have (30 or so) in our later service. Well, I don't really want to go into details here, even on this blog.
Oh, enjoying Made Men on DVD. We saw season two before season one, and working through one now; recommended fiction, that.
And this is really all I have. It's late; I haven't been able to blog while away, even when I really needed to, so this is my sort of catch up. More focused posts to come later.
Love to all.
Comments
Sorry about the food poisoning. I've been there too. Vacation seems like it was emotional profitable if not difficult. We were snowed in at PDX for 36 hours. Gotta love the NW.
Peace.
t