Prayer Request and Rant
Those of you who pray, please pray; I'm off to Santa Cruz for another two days of sailing, the second weekend of my class, which is a good thing. But the tension between S and I has only grown, or simmered without resolution or closeness, and then blew up tonight. Over chores, mostly, making the bed. Yeah, critical shit. Actually, we have deeper issues; perhaps those are what's really up.
I know we were both undernurtured as kids; I know we both have a lot of anger. I know I'm not the perfect person and neither is she. I know it would be great if life were one long vacation, plenty of money and people to clean my house and no work stress. But my experience is so far from that. I truthfully don't know how other people live, what their lives are like, but even apart from my ocd and depression, which really are in remission, healing, life is still often very hard. I don't know how people with more than one kid keep up with it, or with a baby. I'm beginning to wonder if I should completely throw in the towel on the idea of any more children (I do turn 41 next month, geez) by getting snipped.
My stepson is a wonderful boy, but he's becoming a teenager...'why' any time we ask anything. He's still good natured, so far, but maybe it's me that's nuts. I don't know. I just know work has been stressful this term as I teach all new classes, my home is stressful, money is okay but even with the summer school I taught, two brutal classes, our house projects, nothing dramatic and us doing almost all the work, can and will eat that little savings up in a flash.
Maybe I am lazy. I'm not as focused on house things as S, but our deal has always been to split everything, at least in theory. I have my career, and I parent and houseclean and do laundry and whatever else, shop and even cook though S is much better than me in a kitchen. It is just never easy.
And while I'm ranting, it pisses me off that faculty with a ph.d. or more units than me are making several thousand more dollars a year for doing the same or even less work. I can climb another pay class without the doctorate, but just climbing the first one took all kinds of work after school and during the summers, piling up units beyond my m.a. I know (and like) a guy with no prior teaching experience who has a ph. d., he managed to finagle them into thinking he had five years experience when he started, the max they'd take, and he has always made much more than me though we were hired at the same time. The difference, actually, between a ph.d. and someone with only an m.a. is something like 15,000 a year off the top of my head. For the same work, the same classes, same everything.
But above all I hate that S and I are fighting, had such a big fight tonight. She leaves for work very early, I will go to work and then to Santa Cruz for two days. No chance to really talk or sort stuff out whatever can be sorted out. It occurred to me she might be pregnant.
I am so tired of the tension over housework.
Is this spiritual warfare? Or just a cycle in the relationship? I don't know. It certainly is our baggage, once again, nothing new. Connected to our past issues, for sure, but with its own life.
And I'm supposed to have it great: family, house in the mountains, professor job, going in three days a week this semester...I don't know why I feel so down, why I still have so many struggles, why I feel as though my work is almost never done, either with school or around the house.
I don't think I said anything out of line here about what's going on. Those of you who pray, please, a quick prayer for us. Some days I feel like everything is great and some days I feel like the house is burning down around me.
t
I know we were both undernurtured as kids; I know we both have a lot of anger. I know I'm not the perfect person and neither is she. I know it would be great if life were one long vacation, plenty of money and people to clean my house and no work stress. But my experience is so far from that. I truthfully don't know how other people live, what their lives are like, but even apart from my ocd and depression, which really are in remission, healing, life is still often very hard. I don't know how people with more than one kid keep up with it, or with a baby. I'm beginning to wonder if I should completely throw in the towel on the idea of any more children (I do turn 41 next month, geez) by getting snipped.
My stepson is a wonderful boy, but he's becoming a teenager...'why' any time we ask anything. He's still good natured, so far, but maybe it's me that's nuts. I don't know. I just know work has been stressful this term as I teach all new classes, my home is stressful, money is okay but even with the summer school I taught, two brutal classes, our house projects, nothing dramatic and us doing almost all the work, can and will eat that little savings up in a flash.
Maybe I am lazy. I'm not as focused on house things as S, but our deal has always been to split everything, at least in theory. I have my career, and I parent and houseclean and do laundry and whatever else, shop and even cook though S is much better than me in a kitchen. It is just never easy.
And while I'm ranting, it pisses me off that faculty with a ph.d. or more units than me are making several thousand more dollars a year for doing the same or even less work. I can climb another pay class without the doctorate, but just climbing the first one took all kinds of work after school and during the summers, piling up units beyond my m.a. I know (and like) a guy with no prior teaching experience who has a ph. d., he managed to finagle them into thinking he had five years experience when he started, the max they'd take, and he has always made much more than me though we were hired at the same time. The difference, actually, between a ph.d. and someone with only an m.a. is something like 15,000 a year off the top of my head. For the same work, the same classes, same everything.
But above all I hate that S and I are fighting, had such a big fight tonight. She leaves for work very early, I will go to work and then to Santa Cruz for two days. No chance to really talk or sort stuff out whatever can be sorted out. It occurred to me she might be pregnant.
I am so tired of the tension over housework.
Is this spiritual warfare? Or just a cycle in the relationship? I don't know. It certainly is our baggage, once again, nothing new. Connected to our past issues, for sure, but with its own life.
And I'm supposed to have it great: family, house in the mountains, professor job, going in three days a week this semester...I don't know why I feel so down, why I still have so many struggles, why I feel as though my work is almost never done, either with school or around the house.
I don't think I said anything out of line here about what's going on. Those of you who pray, please, a quick prayer for us. Some days I feel like everything is great and some days I feel like the house is burning down around me.
t
Comments
I'll pray for you. :)
We both have it great. There are just going to inevitably be times whether it is through spiritual warfare, pregnancy scares, job losses or other stuff that will tweek our perception of how good we have it. There are days when things have gone so crappy I wonder where I'm going to get the strength to give anything to my family because all I want to do is process my stuff.
I love my kids, but two is enough for us. I don't know how people with more than two kids do it, it seems like madness. Sometimes I actually find myself jealous of people who have kids who are low maintenance. Again, I love my boys with all my heart, but they have a lot of days when I wonder if God made the best choice by trusting them to me.
I've never been much of a bumper sticker theologian with a succinct verse or witticism. But I do know that Jesus loves both of you. Your marriage is a joy to Him. mrsfish is right, the key is to remember that you are just as committed when the feeling isn't there.
You know you both have my prayers. Peace brother.
There is so much that goes into being married. There have been so many days where the stuff just never seems to end. but those are the days when you have to realize that you are not living for yourself, that you have pledged yourself to another and are looking out for her best interests. When we focus on what is in this relationship for me, what am i getting out of it, then the anger seethes up and you try to get your way at any cost. And with 2 kids, double the pleasure double the pain. But you wuickly realize that you cannot be a parent, or husband, or friend without help. I feel like I'm rambling but you are not alone. God has placed many people in your life to support you and strengthen you, including S, and you just need to rest in that. Take care.
E
These times now are few and far between, but when they come they are so painful. I have committed to reaching across the distance and standing on my love and commitment even when I am angry and hurt and longing for him to reach for me with love and repentance.
Stretch across the pain, frustration, fear and exhaustion. You don't have to have it all figured out. Just tell her you aren't going anywhere and that you love her. I don't think you can lose.
It's necessary and appropriate to disagree, voice opinions, feel tension from time to time, but remember to be quick to cut back to that bottom line.
And hey, if all else fails, you can always try the tip that was given us years ago...fight naked.