Quick Post

Tonight my pain is once again great; it is the depressed pain, a feeling like none other, and the old echoes of the dark ocd. On a scale of 1 to 100 we're talking thirties maybe, but I rarely get this anymore. I can't even remember the last time.

I did go to the gym tonight and lift; my old standby, excercise, always helps.

Why the depression and anxiety, verging at moments on panic? I don't know fully. I do know it will be gone in a day or two; it will surely wax and wane and pass. Work is a huge part of it; I'm still dealing with last semester, with my new classes, with trying to build two effing online classes when I'm teaching am. lit. and honors and basic grammar for the first freaking time. It's very hard to build online classes and teach them at once. I tell people never to do it.

And I get reviewed this semester and have to write a self-study, a reflection on my work. Me, I work hard. My college, my dept., well, communication failure, something, but clearly I tried to leave and couldn't.

I simply feel pressure over work almost all the time. And then S and I are slowly moving back together emotionally but things are not fully resolved, for me at least; I don't feel as close as I need to feel.

I don't even have time to really post here. It's time to go to bed. But dangit, if I'm going to feel the shadows of hell, I'm going to share it. Tomorrow will probably be better. If not, surely the next day.

I've been having trouble sleeping since school started, seeing my therapist infrequently. I'm seeing her once a week again and hope to sleep well tonight.

Gotta go. Thank you all, sincerely, truly, for the kind comments below.

Note I changed my email also in my profile.

Much love,

t

Comments

KMJ said…
"Dangit, if I'm going to feel the shadows of hell, I'm going to share it."

Troy, this is one of the best summaries I've seen about why we need community. Share it, friend. I'll gladly hear it (and even commisserate on that spiral of looming depression and panic). Hope you did sleep well, finally. :)
6:04 AM
twila said…
My thoughts are with you. I understand this place. I'm glad you are remembering that it will pass. And that you are realizing that your grueling schedule and stress levels have an impact.
7:04 AM
Montana Sherry C said…
Praying for peace and rest...
9:34 AM
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