Avalon Revisited
Many thanks for the positive comments on my poop post. What Karen said, that she sees hope even in my 'outside' posts, is very encouraging; and what Ian said, about the most powerful thing he could have said, 'you're not alone.' Dude. How true. How quickly I forget that fact. Belief that I suffer in isolation or that my pains are unique is one of the great delusions of the human condition.
I have lots to say. I'll try to get out what I can.
First of all, Avalon in August is different from other times of the year; and now there are three cruise ships a week docking off that tiny harbor. The big kind of cruise ship. Like Kathy Lee used to sing on. It's like adding three enormous hotels to the tiny island while they're there.
My advice: avoid town on Tuesdays or Wednesdays (cruise days) and on weekends in summer. Descanso was like spring break. I did not dig. On days like that the only cure is to get into the interior, or head to Buffalo Nickel for eats and pebbly beach to hang out (unless you're looking for/at hundreds of college kids). Other places to beat the crowd: the barber shop (Lolo and Frank still rock, and yes I got a shave, one of the highlights of my trip) and Pete's cafe in the square right behind Lolo's. Or the Botanical gardens. Or get under the water. Even with stacks of divers at the point, you might see two the whole time you're diving; also Dockside cafe at Casino Point is also usually just divers and locals and not crowded. But yeah, things change in August.
Many thanks to Waylan, Clint, Will, Desi and his family, for hosting me once again in even grander style. We actually slept indoors! And the diving was good, though viz was a little low. Mikey did great underwater. Steph did great. And Clint and I got in one slightly deeper dive to the bow of the Sue-Jac. I didn't break quite 80 feet, but it was my second dive of the day and my first dive had been shallower...the first time I've felt the narc. Not a good thing really, but an amazing dive. I cannot stress how awesome scuba is for me.
Then the long drive up the coast, and Big Sur and the pure air or Ragged Point. I don't think I know anyplace more beautiful. We finished in Monterey Bay (also tourist-packed in August, like, uh, sardines) and the Aquarium and then home.
So as Samwise said, 'I'm back.'
While I don't go into detail here about my anxieties (though I'm considering a shadow blog where I do just that) I will say it was a tough two weeks. I didn't bring the tape recorder I use to practice my exposure work. And I didn't get any time alone to do relaxation, or didn't make any (and margaritas really are a temporary cure). Whatever, while the last vacation was better, this one was hard. I've felt real hope this summer, but not the last two weeks. And now I'm sitting here with my tape recorder in front of me, scared and putting it off. I suffered enough lately to know I'll do it. It's just very hard to do this kind of work; probably the only thing harder is actually obsessing and catastrophizing and living in dark anxiety. I began to get some results this spring with this new kind of therapy and kind of kicked back, before and during the vacation. I guess most people would have. To do the exposure work correctly takes strong focus and lots of energy.
So things between S and I are okay but not the way they are when I'm feeling better. As I recall, we didn't have much conflict on the trip. We didn't have as much time to ourselves as I would have liked either.
And speaking of the trip! I cannot say thanks enough to Dave and Mike for meeting with me. Blogbudddies are even better f2f. Dave has such a nurturing energy, and such genuine faith and beauty of soul; and Mike reminds me of myself, intellectually restless, intense, having suffered yet actively reaching past that to support guys like me. I'm looking forward to seeing them both again, and hope they took something from our times together also.
Yes, seeing them both was very cool. In the old days I couldn't have made that happen. This time I made sure I called and it did.
I have, of course, lots of stories from the trip: the drunk guy in the cowboy hat at the bar who tried to get me to fight him; the fools banging on the motel door down the corridor at 2 in the morning for twenty minutes (till my wife opened the door and told them they were being rude and they quit); the barbecue at Desi's, the amazing view from his balcony and his delightful, 14 year old daughter who showed me one of her short stories as she wants to be a writer; Desi's gentle massuese-wife Lavina (sp?) who gave us all backrubs; Waylon's cool hippy energy and true hospitality; Clint drinking beer and cranking the punk and dancing around the house at nine in the morning; the walk up the canyon to the campground (always glorious); seeing Janelle; dancing with locals at Dockside in my Grateful Dead t-shirt (I requested 'smoke two joints'); and of course the diving, the best part of all. These are just vignettes, and not stories, but they'll have to do for now. School is starting, and I have stuff to do, including my tape recorder.
Once again, I love having the blog. And I have to remark once more on what Karen says below. I have an eye for detail only an obsessive-compulsive could have, and this makes my faith very complex. But I guess I am 'working it out.' Certainly in fear and trembling! I prayed (again) last night to Jesus for help with my obsessions, and I'm praying right now in the blog. The idea that he could hear me and would help me in a universe like this is almost unbelievable, but he said he would, he said the paraclete would be with me. I surely need them both.
Love to all,
t
I have lots to say. I'll try to get out what I can.
First of all, Avalon in August is different from other times of the year; and now there are three cruise ships a week docking off that tiny harbor. The big kind of cruise ship. Like Kathy Lee used to sing on. It's like adding three enormous hotels to the tiny island while they're there.
My advice: avoid town on Tuesdays or Wednesdays (cruise days) and on weekends in summer. Descanso was like spring break. I did not dig. On days like that the only cure is to get into the interior, or head to Buffalo Nickel for eats and pebbly beach to hang out (unless you're looking for/at hundreds of college kids). Other places to beat the crowd: the barber shop (Lolo and Frank still rock, and yes I got a shave, one of the highlights of my trip) and Pete's cafe in the square right behind Lolo's. Or the Botanical gardens. Or get under the water. Even with stacks of divers at the point, you might see two the whole time you're diving; also Dockside cafe at Casino Point is also usually just divers and locals and not crowded. But yeah, things change in August.
Many thanks to Waylan, Clint, Will, Desi and his family, for hosting me once again in even grander style. We actually slept indoors! And the diving was good, though viz was a little low. Mikey did great underwater. Steph did great. And Clint and I got in one slightly deeper dive to the bow of the Sue-Jac. I didn't break quite 80 feet, but it was my second dive of the day and my first dive had been shallower...the first time I've felt the narc. Not a good thing really, but an amazing dive. I cannot stress how awesome scuba is for me.
Then the long drive up the coast, and Big Sur and the pure air or Ragged Point. I don't think I know anyplace more beautiful. We finished in Monterey Bay (also tourist-packed in August, like, uh, sardines) and the Aquarium and then home.
So as Samwise said, 'I'm back.'
While I don't go into detail here about my anxieties (though I'm considering a shadow blog where I do just that) I will say it was a tough two weeks. I didn't bring the tape recorder I use to practice my exposure work. And I didn't get any time alone to do relaxation, or didn't make any (and margaritas really are a temporary cure). Whatever, while the last vacation was better, this one was hard. I've felt real hope this summer, but not the last two weeks. And now I'm sitting here with my tape recorder in front of me, scared and putting it off. I suffered enough lately to know I'll do it. It's just very hard to do this kind of work; probably the only thing harder is actually obsessing and catastrophizing and living in dark anxiety. I began to get some results this spring with this new kind of therapy and kind of kicked back, before and during the vacation. I guess most people would have. To do the exposure work correctly takes strong focus and lots of energy.
So things between S and I are okay but not the way they are when I'm feeling better. As I recall, we didn't have much conflict on the trip. We didn't have as much time to ourselves as I would have liked either.
And speaking of the trip! I cannot say thanks enough to Dave and Mike for meeting with me. Blogbudddies are even better f2f. Dave has such a nurturing energy, and such genuine faith and beauty of soul; and Mike reminds me of myself, intellectually restless, intense, having suffered yet actively reaching past that to support guys like me. I'm looking forward to seeing them both again, and hope they took something from our times together also.
Yes, seeing them both was very cool. In the old days I couldn't have made that happen. This time I made sure I called and it did.
I have, of course, lots of stories from the trip: the drunk guy in the cowboy hat at the bar who tried to get me to fight him; the fools banging on the motel door down the corridor at 2 in the morning for twenty minutes (till my wife opened the door and told them they were being rude and they quit); the barbecue at Desi's, the amazing view from his balcony and his delightful, 14 year old daughter who showed me one of her short stories as she wants to be a writer; Desi's gentle massuese-wife Lavina (sp?) who gave us all backrubs; Waylon's cool hippy energy and true hospitality; Clint drinking beer and cranking the punk and dancing around the house at nine in the morning; the walk up the canyon to the campground (always glorious); seeing Janelle; dancing with locals at Dockside in my Grateful Dead t-shirt (I requested 'smoke two joints'); and of course the diving, the best part of all. These are just vignettes, and not stories, but they'll have to do for now. School is starting, and I have stuff to do, including my tape recorder.
Once again, I love having the blog. And I have to remark once more on what Karen says below. I have an eye for detail only an obsessive-compulsive could have, and this makes my faith very complex. But I guess I am 'working it out.' Certainly in fear and trembling! I prayed (again) last night to Jesus for help with my obsessions, and I'm praying right now in the blog. The idea that he could hear me and would help me in a universe like this is almost unbelievable, but he said he would, he said the paraclete would be with me. I surely need them both.
Love to all,
t
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