Anonymity

Preparing for a trip to the city, the affectionate title all northern californians seem to give to San Francisco, even those, like myself, who live three hours away, I noticed this article and also this. This is disturbing news. I don't think I could be fired if someone from work found my blog; I have tenure. Free speech is deeply respected at the college level. Though if I had racist or sexist comments up here...well, that might wound my career, even, maybe, get me fired, though probably not.

I'm not worried about my job. I think about the little I've said about my parish up here, the parish where the priest just asked me to be senior warden, someone who works with him directly, a request which shocked me and my family. I haven't all been positive in the things I've said, and I've held back my critical observations. Do I want my priest, who is an avid onliner, a man I have pushed for broadband access for, to see my comments here? Mostly, this would be fine. But not completely.

Also, no one at my work, save one person, knows I have ocd. No one at my church knows, or knows yet at least. I am applying to another college in my district; this will be very competitive, and my goal is to make them think I'm overall bitchen.

Just how real can I be up here? One of the blogs featured in the articles above I found through Romy's page, Incidents and Accidents. I am linked, and honored to be so, at Romy's site. I enjoy being linked on other pages because it honors my blog and it finds me more readers, and I do, like everyone, write for an audience. This means, though, like that Kevin Bacon game, I'm only two degrees from the home site for the city of san francisco. And I have used my real first name.

Some posts, like the one below, I have no need to hide from anyone. But when the crunch is on (and I'm doing pretty darned good right now) I let out that pain here. Since most of the human race is suffering at any given time, I hope my struggles help others who are hurting. But I'm one of those people who thinks we all should be sharing everything we feel with each other, and that feelings are distinct from any action. Many do not understand this distinction. Cyber language hangs in the air, without body language or verbal tone, and it can be read as darkly as our inner selves wish.

I don't know about this. The cyber world is very spooky. I could adopt a fake first name, though I've shared a fair amount of biographical details from my present. What I most wanted to avoid was someone from my past finding me using my name, or someone in my town finding me by running its name through google (and I doubt many websites in the world have its odd little name in their text). I have actual pictures of myself and my family linked here, which I think I should take down.

But this is sad. It's something I have to kick around. How well do I hide my identity, and how much can I share in open blog? This is publication of a sort, though I forget that constantly. Most times I think I'm writing to the handful of you who comment, whose blogs I also read. But I know I've 'lurked' in other blogs, and I could have lurkers here. One day, maybe, one of them may connect the in person me with blog me and spread the link around my campus, my church, worst of all, what's left of my extended family or step family. Actually, that wouldn't be the worst. The parish, maybe.

It's also creepy that nothing erases. Something I shared months ago, or years, is still readable.

I tend to be overly optimistic regarding human nature. A bit naive.

So I'm thinking. I may drop my name and ask, though of course I can't insist and it might never happen, that my real first name be dropped from the links leading to this site. Am I being paranoid? Probably. Yeah. And some people I used to know I want to know this is me if they find my site. So I'm thinking.

***

The last couple days have been good for S and I. She initiated a talk I should have begun. I want more, we need more, of those kind of talks. Once we get in touch with how the other is feeling, what is getting triggered in any situation, we do much better. Intimacy: hard, feels unnatural, but it also feels so good. It reveals the true beauty in my life.

I did have a wonderful dinner at a fairly local place with her that night of the talk. And S.F., oh, you know, I've already blogged about that town. There is no place like it. And I'm staying, for the first time, in a four star hotel thanks to those online discount ticket sites. It's the ZAP festival, more Zinfandel than I could ever taste, and then off to wonderful food, our beautiful room...how desperately I need this.

***

And the last thing: I'm shy to say it, but I've started learning French in my truck as I drive to work. The teacher on the CD's is actually very good, and I love language. I never did another, except Latin in grad school, and so far, French is much easier than Latin, easier than English. The verb forms are so simple, at least the present tense. It sounds goofy, but this is my idea of recreation, fun, a hobby. I know Romy is a French expert, and hopefully if we ever meet I'll be able to yack it up in style.

Well, enough for now. My best option is probably to be careful what I share up here. I have to go. Mikey is asking me football trivia; I know none of the answers, but the message to me is clear.

Be well all.


Comments

I'm also starting to question the whole blog thing. Not so much for security reasons, although I suppose I should be more concerned about that, but more for having a well-defined audience to write to. In the early days, I knew who was reading, but now it has spread so far. I'm not always willing to share everything with everyone. Hmmm...thinking over my options.
KMJ said…
So, how was your trip to the city? :)
Tenax said…
Sherry,

yes, really, that's what's bothering me. I know if I give a link to one person, that entire family could end up reading my blog without my knowledge. Some posts I think that's great, not all.

I'm considering two blogs, one personal, one not. The personal blog could be closed, open only to people I want to read my more confessional stuff, or it could be truly anonymous, but in that case, I'd lose you guys as readers. If I start some joe blow blog out there how will my friends know what it is? I guess I could tell them, but then you see...it's again not truly a closed audience.

I believe in open sharing. It saved me. I need to more of it than I do and when I see someone else being open it helps me to do that, it shows me a new, better, norm. But could I be hurt doing this myself in this forum...it is possible. I'm still thinking about how I want to handle the faux anonymity of the www.

Thanks again for posting.

t

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