Hard Day's Night
Yeah, work.
It's almost midnight, I can't sleep yet though I took benedril two hours ago, and why? Work. This semester I just haven't been able to catch up for more than maybe a day, then slam, I know I'm behind again. Or I'll get caught up in my online classes and realize I have to read for my lit courses or prep for my grammar class and it's the end of the day and I'm beat...it's been the toughest semester I've had since moving north. Our writing lab was disbanded in favor of a basic grammar class and instead of being less work or a reasonable parity it's been tons more effort even though the students are awesome, wonderful people. Plus, some of the books I picked for Honors and some of the readings in Am. Lit. are very hard...no wonder I never read Emerson's Nature. He's the genius Joseph Campbell. A deconstructionist dream, non-linear, highly abstract, in places circular, do I smoke a contradiction or is it just the bizarre diction...a spell-weaving writer and a swell guy, sure, but one of the strangest collections of philosophies I've ever seen compiled in one place. In short, along with Faust, hard as shit to teach.
Those of you who read know that last semester was not easy for me at work, and now this semester is even tougher. As I've probably said, I'm being evaluated, whatever that means to someone with tenure (and huge ego wounds). I know I'm a good teacher, some days better than that, but it feels like only I hit my stride from time to time in each class and many days I'm scrambling. Am I too hard on myself? Yes. Am I also behind? Yes. Should I have not taught two summer classes and prepped my butt off instead? Yes. Do I like frantic work like some seem to? No. I hate it. Business does not equal value.
On another note, Steph and I continue to grow, therapy has been good as usual lately, and my EFM class looks promising, perhaps a place during the week where I can draw and not feel drawn on, or so I hope. While many things are good (like the gorgeous, cold-air arrival of a mountain fall) many things feel like complete crap right now. I don't know how the new chair will respond to my old schedule deal; the last one clearly didn't like it. I should find out soon though as she's on my committee and I've had to request classes for fall and she does the schedule. Now that I reflect, I think I even messed up my schedule request.
Sleep has been hard for a while now, probably in significant part from coming off several months of valium. My pain is gone most of the time, the muscle pain I was taking it for, but without that med slamming me to sleep each night I'm struggling. Then, of course, work floods my mind.
I admit I'm glad to read Emerson and Faust (again) and be able to get paid to do so, but this is just one of those awful, awful terms where I never feel like my feet aren't slipping, where traction moments are quite brief.
But as I said, moving disjointedly, things are better at home and I feel going very strong with my son; I needed to make some changes there and they do seem to be happening. I prayed for my family about three days ago, this from a man who never prays and simply felt compelled to actually kneel and do it the old-fashioned way, found myself, oddly, praying for protection, spiritual protection, for my wife and son, fervently for twenty or so minutes. Then many things came to awareness, many through Steph and I getting into a fight: we not only handled the fight better than before, ever probably, but also I saw areas I needed to change with Mike.
For all this I am grateful.
Well, before I throw out any more paragraphs lacking unity or coherence I better split the webwaves. This feels like Pascal's Pensees (sp?) Sincere thanks to all for letting me toss out this very real share. Thanks KMJ for what you said below. I am a chronic thinker, yes, an idea chain-smoker, many times I wish I could simply sleep! At least my insomnia moves in stages, comes and goes.
Spritual warfare? It may be very real. Lately it has felt so. If that is the case, then I really have nothing to worry about ever. As I change spiritually I find huge difficulties suddenly shoved in my face so I can hardly breathe, often old issues that have been dormant, but then I, S and I too, grow past it. So whatever is happening, I'm changing and growing in ways I used to only hope for. Is life nirvana? No, and knowing that is a pretty big step in itself. Learning to embrace all of life and all the parts of my loved ones, eventually even all the parts of myself, it's a powerful process and a slow one, but it's happening for me.
Be well gang. I hate to 'hang up' but I really have to try and sleep and I think the antihistamine is beginning to help. I've done my Faust/Emerson reading for tonight. You know, Emerson really bought into Berkeley's whole esse est percipi (if I can remember the latin): to be is to be perceived. Matter, Nature, the metaphysical world, only exists when it is perceived by mind. That old philosophical problem, the tree falling in the woods, should be taxing enough to put us all, including myself, to sleep. Or I could think about My Left Foot which I just saw for the first time: I thought I had challenges.
Peace and more focused content another time,
Troy
It's almost midnight, I can't sleep yet though I took benedril two hours ago, and why? Work. This semester I just haven't been able to catch up for more than maybe a day, then slam, I know I'm behind again. Or I'll get caught up in my online classes and realize I have to read for my lit courses or prep for my grammar class and it's the end of the day and I'm beat...it's been the toughest semester I've had since moving north. Our writing lab was disbanded in favor of a basic grammar class and instead of being less work or a reasonable parity it's been tons more effort even though the students are awesome, wonderful people. Plus, some of the books I picked for Honors and some of the readings in Am. Lit. are very hard...no wonder I never read Emerson's Nature. He's the genius Joseph Campbell. A deconstructionist dream, non-linear, highly abstract, in places circular, do I smoke a contradiction or is it just the bizarre diction...a spell-weaving writer and a swell guy, sure, but one of the strangest collections of philosophies I've ever seen compiled in one place. In short, along with Faust, hard as shit to teach.
Those of you who read know that last semester was not easy for me at work, and now this semester is even tougher. As I've probably said, I'm being evaluated, whatever that means to someone with tenure (and huge ego wounds). I know I'm a good teacher, some days better than that, but it feels like only I hit my stride from time to time in each class and many days I'm scrambling. Am I too hard on myself? Yes. Am I also behind? Yes. Should I have not taught two summer classes and prepped my butt off instead? Yes. Do I like frantic work like some seem to? No. I hate it. Business does not equal value.
On another note, Steph and I continue to grow, therapy has been good as usual lately, and my EFM class looks promising, perhaps a place during the week where I can draw and not feel drawn on, or so I hope. While many things are good (like the gorgeous, cold-air arrival of a mountain fall) many things feel like complete crap right now. I don't know how the new chair will respond to my old schedule deal; the last one clearly didn't like it. I should find out soon though as she's on my committee and I've had to request classes for fall and she does the schedule. Now that I reflect, I think I even messed up my schedule request.
Sleep has been hard for a while now, probably in significant part from coming off several months of valium. My pain is gone most of the time, the muscle pain I was taking it for, but without that med slamming me to sleep each night I'm struggling. Then, of course, work floods my mind.
I admit I'm glad to read Emerson and Faust (again) and be able to get paid to do so, but this is just one of those awful, awful terms where I never feel like my feet aren't slipping, where traction moments are quite brief.
But as I said, moving disjointedly, things are better at home and I feel going very strong with my son; I needed to make some changes there and they do seem to be happening. I prayed for my family about three days ago, this from a man who never prays and simply felt compelled to actually kneel and do it the old-fashioned way, found myself, oddly, praying for protection, spiritual protection, for my wife and son, fervently for twenty or so minutes. Then many things came to awareness, many through Steph and I getting into a fight: we not only handled the fight better than before, ever probably, but also I saw areas I needed to change with Mike.
For all this I am grateful.
Well, before I throw out any more paragraphs lacking unity or coherence I better split the webwaves. This feels like Pascal's Pensees (sp?) Sincere thanks to all for letting me toss out this very real share. Thanks KMJ for what you said below. I am a chronic thinker, yes, an idea chain-smoker, many times I wish I could simply sleep! At least my insomnia moves in stages, comes and goes.
Spritual warfare? It may be very real. Lately it has felt so. If that is the case, then I really have nothing to worry about ever. As I change spiritually I find huge difficulties suddenly shoved in my face so I can hardly breathe, often old issues that have been dormant, but then I, S and I too, grow past it. So whatever is happening, I'm changing and growing in ways I used to only hope for. Is life nirvana? No, and knowing that is a pretty big step in itself. Learning to embrace all of life and all the parts of my loved ones, eventually even all the parts of myself, it's a powerful process and a slow one, but it's happening for me.
Be well gang. I hate to 'hang up' but I really have to try and sleep and I think the antihistamine is beginning to help. I've done my Faust/Emerson reading for tonight. You know, Emerson really bought into Berkeley's whole esse est percipi (if I can remember the latin): to be is to be perceived. Matter, Nature, the metaphysical world, only exists when it is perceived by mind. That old philosophical problem, the tree falling in the woods, should be taxing enough to put us all, including myself, to sleep. Or I could think about My Left Foot which I just saw for the first time: I thought I had challenges.
Peace and more focused content another time,
Troy
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