Four Things Friday
Okay, I think I'm supposed to do this on Thursday but I needed some reason to post four things:
Thing one: I'm hitting burn out. Too much work, not enough play, projects backing up around the house and school of course and truthfully I feel like not even logging into my online classes or coming to my job. Since I'm not drinking to 'unwind' every night I'm really feeling it. I need to rent about twelve episodes of old star treks or ab fabs or kung-fus and lay on the couch for two days. The sucky thing is I can't do this, at least not yet.
Thing two: My OCD plays a role in my faith/doubt distress. I don't know how faith works in the mind, but it's a different part of the mind, one OCD likes to shove into the dirt. OCD is a response to awful emotion, yes, but often fear: if God's not real, my faith is fake and I have no heavenly father or eternal life; the abandonment and cold betrayal inherent in this shift in world-view invokes my freaking core issues. So, I often can't think calmly about apologetics or the nature of scripture or any other real questions I have. Instead, I obsess about these things, which is a guaranteed hamster loop and scary and painful. Same disease, new branch.
Thing three: Our carpet is now at the installers but the freaking glass closet door that is supposed to go in first and that we ordered two months ago is still not at Home Despot. This really pisses me off. We paid for it and were told 2 to 4 business days. I want that room finished! But then, the book cases we were supposed to build in are not even begun because I have to go into the attic and peel back the insulation and screw in blocking and I have zero time for any of this. See item one.
Thing four: After a great morning yesterday my emotions just tanked being at Mikey's basketball game (why? and yes, right now he's playing both sports) and then I felt more tense as the day went on and even after working out in the evening I was unable to sleep. Took unisom or some other antihistamine. Now I'm wasting time online and wondering: would it be better for me to actually work during this time or take an hour off and do this and then work when I get home, maybe after starting dinner? Ooh, I like that idea. Also, hopefully, Mikey's football team will lose in the first round of the playoffs tomorrow and his season will finally be finished. But this may be a fifth thing. Five things Friday.
current mood: exhausted and tense
current music: the Jupiter
current wish: to kick the crap out of some inanimate object and then go to sleep
Thing one: I'm hitting burn out. Too much work, not enough play, projects backing up around the house and school of course and truthfully I feel like not even logging into my online classes or coming to my job. Since I'm not drinking to 'unwind' every night I'm really feeling it. I need to rent about twelve episodes of old star treks or ab fabs or kung-fus and lay on the couch for two days. The sucky thing is I can't do this, at least not yet.
Thing two: My OCD plays a role in my faith/doubt distress. I don't know how faith works in the mind, but it's a different part of the mind, one OCD likes to shove into the dirt. OCD is a response to awful emotion, yes, but often fear: if God's not real, my faith is fake and I have no heavenly father or eternal life; the abandonment and cold betrayal inherent in this shift in world-view invokes my freaking core issues. So, I often can't think calmly about apologetics or the nature of scripture or any other real questions I have. Instead, I obsess about these things, which is a guaranteed hamster loop and scary and painful. Same disease, new branch.
Thing three: Our carpet is now at the installers but the freaking glass closet door that is supposed to go in first and that we ordered two months ago is still not at Home Despot. This really pisses me off. We paid for it and were told 2 to 4 business days. I want that room finished! But then, the book cases we were supposed to build in are not even begun because I have to go into the attic and peel back the insulation and screw in blocking and I have zero time for any of this. See item one.
Thing four: After a great morning yesterday my emotions just tanked being at Mikey's basketball game (why? and yes, right now he's playing both sports) and then I felt more tense as the day went on and even after working out in the evening I was unable to sleep. Took unisom or some other antihistamine. Now I'm wasting time online and wondering: would it be better for me to actually work during this time or take an hour off and do this and then work when I get home, maybe after starting dinner? Ooh, I like that idea. Also, hopefully, Mikey's football team will lose in the first round of the playoffs tomorrow and his season will finally be finished. But this may be a fifth thing. Five things Friday.
current mood: exhausted and tense
current music: the Jupiter
current wish: to kick the crap out of some inanimate object and then go to sleep
Comments
Maybe chop some wood. That would be good. Why don't you chop some for me, too? I just finished off what was stacked by the stove this morning.
I looked for and found the quote right after I mentioned it. When I read it the first time it hit me exactly where my spirit was and it made me think of some of our "conversations". Reading it again I wondered if it sounded too harsh. I hear Chamber's voice as very encouraging but a dear friend hears a Tsk Tsk, nothing is good enough tone.
Well here goes:
"It is a question of obedience, and instantly the relationship is perfected. Turn away for one second out of obedience, and darkness and death are at work at once.
All God's revelations are sealed until they are opened to us by obedience. You will never get them open by philosophy or thinking. Immediately you obey, a flash of light comes. Let God's truth work in you by soaking in it, not by worrying into it. The only way you can get to know is to stop trying to find out and by being born again. Obey God in the thing He shows you, and instantly the next thing is opened up."
Taken from My Utmost For His Highest, October 10
You are clearly tired and you already had a lot of plates spinning at full strengh. Is there something God is calling you to in your relationships, perhaps risking more with your wife, choosing to trust when the fear comes-I don't know.
I felt like this was for you and I am delivering it, trusting that it won't be the burden that breaks a bruised reed.
This hit me powerfully because I took a big step in obedience. I did something I wasn't comfortable doing and it felt heavy when I began, but under everything I felt peace. Later that day I heard something new and questioned the way I approach life in general. I had eyes to see and I wondered if clarity and guidance are the blessing of obedience. When I read this my spirit pinged.
I hope it encourages you.
Eat well, keep exercising, drink your water, breathe slowly and embrace your wife and son.
OK, Mom's signing off. :)
this is a very lovely response; it took me a while to write back but I saw these the next day.
Just writing about my feelings (I didn't even know I was angry until the end of the post) really helped. Using my blog for me, in a way I can't use the classroom, is wonderful. Too often I adopt the teacher's persona here, and part of that is isolating.
Thanks, Alison, for presenting your selection so gently. I admit I don't know what it means; I can't think of any particular area in my life it might refer to, but I will remember the quote and something may come up. It's a new approach to faith and reason, really, one I haven't seen. Thank you.
And thanks to all.
More later.
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