Ramble On
Looking at my recent posts...man, so much heavy theo-stuff! I guess that's what's on my mind.
I think of how Abraham would have a message from God then go years without anything concrete. Life seems like that. I was on retreat for our vestry this last weekend; it was one long business meeting even though our location was beautiful, and I knew I had made real strides in my relationship with S, in management of my obsessions and anxiety, in my faith, from the year before (just by remembering what I was praying for). And still...life is less than what it should be so often. I know it comes down to expectations (ask Buddhists) but it feels like one hour I'm feeling pretty good and then the next I'm feeling overwhelmed with something: work-pressure, church-stuff (well, I'll say politics and be truthful), family strains, etc. Surely a wife and son give me a center I never had. A family I never had! Yet I move through life, living yet aging, knowing how imperfect the three of us are and how much effort it takes to feel close to either of them. For me, it does take work.
Even when my faith is 'better,' I find I don't live in religious ecstasy. The woods around my home are beautiful, but they don't fill me with the wonder they did when I didn't live in them (though this may be my own fault; for some, the mountains/nature can provide almost constant magic). I envy monks (except for the no sex part) with their singular focus and spiritual disciplines, yet I imagine they live with much of the same poop we do.
Of course, I could still be healing from my depression; that's a real possibility. Maybe monk-life isn't so poopy. I can't say.
I really don't know if I'll ever be anything but a layperson in the church. As intriguing as seminary sounds (and I could take a leave of absence from my teaching job, get my M.Div., and come back at a higher salary!) there are so many barriers and so many questions. And I have to wonder...would I feel any differently? Would I like church-work better? Do I have the clarity of faith to teach in the church? Probably not yet. I may get it, though.
Well, if God is in his heaven he'll help me with my questions; I have asked for help. At least I can bask in the fact that I have tenure, a middle-class income, lots of freedom at work, a nice family, my health...these are incredible things.
Well, back to work. Just a short, more personal note. I read my last 'three things' post and laughed out loud. From recommending punk rock (with some raw lyrics) to Bruggemann to the miracle content of Mark. If I didn't know myself I'd think I was a fake.
Be well all.
I think of how Abraham would have a message from God then go years without anything concrete. Life seems like that. I was on retreat for our vestry this last weekend; it was one long business meeting even though our location was beautiful, and I knew I had made real strides in my relationship with S, in management of my obsessions and anxiety, in my faith, from the year before (just by remembering what I was praying for). And still...life is less than what it should be so often. I know it comes down to expectations (ask Buddhists) but it feels like one hour I'm feeling pretty good and then the next I'm feeling overwhelmed with something: work-pressure, church-stuff (well, I'll say politics and be truthful), family strains, etc. Surely a wife and son give me a center I never had. A family I never had! Yet I move through life, living yet aging, knowing how imperfect the three of us are and how much effort it takes to feel close to either of them. For me, it does take work.
Even when my faith is 'better,' I find I don't live in religious ecstasy. The woods around my home are beautiful, but they don't fill me with the wonder they did when I didn't live in them (though this may be my own fault; for some, the mountains/nature can provide almost constant magic). I envy monks (except for the no sex part) with their singular focus and spiritual disciplines, yet I imagine they live with much of the same poop we do.
Of course, I could still be healing from my depression; that's a real possibility. Maybe monk-life isn't so poopy. I can't say.
I really don't know if I'll ever be anything but a layperson in the church. As intriguing as seminary sounds (and I could take a leave of absence from my teaching job, get my M.Div., and come back at a higher salary!) there are so many barriers and so many questions. And I have to wonder...would I feel any differently? Would I like church-work better? Do I have the clarity of faith to teach in the church? Probably not yet. I may get it, though.
Well, if God is in his heaven he'll help me with my questions; I have asked for help. At least I can bask in the fact that I have tenure, a middle-class income, lots of freedom at work, a nice family, my health...these are incredible things.
Well, back to work. Just a short, more personal note. I read my last 'three things' post and laughed out loud. From recommending punk rock (with some raw lyrics) to Bruggemann to the miracle content of Mark. If I didn't know myself I'd think I was a fake.
Be well all.
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