Seeing Seminary
I visited a seminary recently, an Episcopal seminary, and those of you who are in my facebook (which is most of the margin) know the gist: well, part of the gist. Overall, the experience was very powerful, deeply communal, and even though I was scared half the time I was there I felt very centered, very home. I thought again: man, this is what I should be doing, this is where I should be using my gifts.
Since I entered Discernment my spiritual life has clearly improved. I was mired in doubt-dialectic, the obsessive alternative to spiritual experience and faith, but discernment has kicked me into a solid spiritual place for the most part. My wife and I are putting more energy into our little parish; we have decided to stick it out and dig in for now. And I already want to use it as a sort of early field education...in the M.Div., one has to do one or two years of field ed, often at a parish, sort of playing priest-ette, assisting, and getting support during the process. On the job training (without a paycheck of course). I plan to do at least one book study this summer at my church, you know, branch out and be involved. It's good for me anyway.
The dirty dark of the seminary visit was what my wife described as "sticker shock." And there it is: the awful rub. She just finished graduate school and a long educational path. So far, her salary is low and job insecure as she builds her MFT hours. But she has student debt in the upper 20's. With the loans consolidated and at a very low interest rate that is not hard to manage for us at all, not with me still teaching and her salary only going to go up. But seminary could easily cause me to have to borrow more than that; 40K for an M.Div in debt is not unusual. And here everything spirals out of control: what about my retirement, what about our home, how good are the medical benefits for priests. In short, I have plenty of "temporal concerns." With my son graduating and going to college in a year and a half, even with his father sharing the costs with us and him choosing a State school...frankly, I feel pretty fucked right now. I have found something which has drawn me in many ways since I was in my early 20's; back then, I was trying to decide (with very little information about either) between seminary and English graduate school. I pulled off one of those careers rather handily, holding tenure and a good paycheck. Now I want the other? hah. But the Episcopal church, the energy I experienced this weekend, it is an entirely different culture from the evangelical world I knew in my 20's. The beauties of the service and the liturgy; the tolerance; the intelligent positions one finds on the bible; the deep commitment to the sacred. I am totally sold and believe in my heart I would make a good priest and even, with great luck, a good college/seminary instructor. I know I am a fine teacher and think I could learn the ins and outs of priest life.
But the rub returns. When, when, when can we afford this? And while I came back from the seminary with a different view of material things, feeling that the nice home is passing away, the clothes...needing only security and, sorry, good health care for my family...I do not know how my wife and I, who have never been bad with money but also never great with it...how could we become as fiscally conscious as one has to be to do what I want to do?
Right now, while part of me is hoping to enroll at least part time the same semester my son begins college, fall 10, part of me thinks it may take much longer than that. That we need to pay of my wife's debt first, get my son halfway through college or more, maybe even work longer and save...I should be happy, I am growing spiritually and have found a sense of vocation I have only glimpsed before (I used to talk about the call feeling like a lighthouse beam...it would hit, then pass, hit, then pass; lately I feel the light is much more consistent and surprisingly gentle.)
It also makes me angry, as it must make priests who are trying to make a living while pledges remain low angry (and that is a hypothetical scenario) that the tremendous wealth in the ECUSA community, the people who attend the Episcopal church and have substantial means and they are many, that more of that money is not directed towards Christian education, i.e. priests in training. Is this a further outgrowth of the serve-me-for-cheap culture we all are getting used to? I hear about building projects from time to time and certainly people need buildings, but someone needs to make the seminarians a priority. How difficult to borrow 40K or more (and the student I spoke to this week has noticeably more but he did 4 years) and then come out and make whatever beginning priests make...not much. Even full rectors, not much in the many smaller parishes which are part of the EC. Our denomination, one of the wealthiest, has less resources for its postulants than any other mainline group (or so I have read). What the hell is wrong with this picture?
And so there things sit for now. I have stuff to do and must get ready for work. I loved seminary, loved visiting and sitting in on classes, loved the community and the staff and faculty I met. I should have been there when I was mid 20's and not mid (yikes, just barely) 40's. But my head had to be put together and that took a long time, a long time. Again, I should be content: I am reasonably happy and well and spiritually growing; I already have a great job. Why I am not feeling called into the diaconate where I could keep my day job? I might at some point in the future feel that, but not at this time. Right now, it's all about getting that theological education and going into ministry in some form. I would never have believed I was writing this post 6 months ago; heck, not even 4 months ago. Still, there it is.
I tend to write long blog posts I know. So I'll cut this for now. But I woke this morning feeling anxious, scared, discouraged. Even if I get into seminary and I believe I would, even if I get through the diocesan discernment and I believe I have a good chance, even then...no one is going to hand me a check. A couple I met this week is getting financial help from their diocese back east. I don't think it happens out west. Again, a lot more money in TEC on the east coast.
So I ask again: how the hell do the people who take so much from TEC, from its liturgy and symbol and beauty and intelligence....how do they expect to continue to be served if money is not provided to help seminarians as educational costs rise and rise? We get what we pay for in this economy.
Oh, yes, and speaking of this economy, we still have equity in our home (thank God) but not very much...enough to pay for seminary three times over has evaporated in the last two years. Funny that I get my call now, so strong, and not as strong then. But then I have been putting my family first: getting wife through graduate school and making sure my son is well dressed, supported in his sports, always has money when he needs some. Sacrificing for others, for my wife's education. Now, wtf. I am angry a bit, mostly dismayed. The future does not look impossible, but it looks hard and it looks long. I fear if I wait too long, graduate at too late of an age, I will not be able to get a rectorship. But now I am far ahead of myself. I am a good leader and communicator...I will always have those skills.
all for now. peace and love.
Since I entered Discernment my spiritual life has clearly improved. I was mired in doubt-dialectic, the obsessive alternative to spiritual experience and faith, but discernment has kicked me into a solid spiritual place for the most part. My wife and I are putting more energy into our little parish; we have decided to stick it out and dig in for now. And I already want to use it as a sort of early field education...in the M.Div., one has to do one or two years of field ed, often at a parish, sort of playing priest-ette, assisting, and getting support during the process. On the job training (without a paycheck of course). I plan to do at least one book study this summer at my church, you know, branch out and be involved. It's good for me anyway.
The dirty dark of the seminary visit was what my wife described as "sticker shock." And there it is: the awful rub. She just finished graduate school and a long educational path. So far, her salary is low and job insecure as she builds her MFT hours. But she has student debt in the upper 20's. With the loans consolidated and at a very low interest rate that is not hard to manage for us at all, not with me still teaching and her salary only going to go up. But seminary could easily cause me to have to borrow more than that; 40K for an M.Div in debt is not unusual. And here everything spirals out of control: what about my retirement, what about our home, how good are the medical benefits for priests. In short, I have plenty of "temporal concerns." With my son graduating and going to college in a year and a half, even with his father sharing the costs with us and him choosing a State school...frankly, I feel pretty fucked right now. I have found something which has drawn me in many ways since I was in my early 20's; back then, I was trying to decide (with very little information about either) between seminary and English graduate school. I pulled off one of those careers rather handily, holding tenure and a good paycheck. Now I want the other? hah. But the Episcopal church, the energy I experienced this weekend, it is an entirely different culture from the evangelical world I knew in my 20's. The beauties of the service and the liturgy; the tolerance; the intelligent positions one finds on the bible; the deep commitment to the sacred. I am totally sold and believe in my heart I would make a good priest and even, with great luck, a good college/seminary instructor. I know I am a fine teacher and think I could learn the ins and outs of priest life.
But the rub returns. When, when, when can we afford this? And while I came back from the seminary with a different view of material things, feeling that the nice home is passing away, the clothes...needing only security and, sorry, good health care for my family...I do not know how my wife and I, who have never been bad with money but also never great with it...how could we become as fiscally conscious as one has to be to do what I want to do?
Right now, while part of me is hoping to enroll at least part time the same semester my son begins college, fall 10, part of me thinks it may take much longer than that. That we need to pay of my wife's debt first, get my son halfway through college or more, maybe even work longer and save...I should be happy, I am growing spiritually and have found a sense of vocation I have only glimpsed before (I used to talk about the call feeling like a lighthouse beam...it would hit, then pass, hit, then pass; lately I feel the light is much more consistent and surprisingly gentle.)
It also makes me angry, as it must make priests who are trying to make a living while pledges remain low angry (and that is a hypothetical scenario) that the tremendous wealth in the ECUSA community, the people who attend the Episcopal church and have substantial means and they are many, that more of that money is not directed towards Christian education, i.e. priests in training. Is this a further outgrowth of the serve-me-for-cheap culture we all are getting used to? I hear about building projects from time to time and certainly people need buildings, but someone needs to make the seminarians a priority. How difficult to borrow 40K or more (and the student I spoke to this week has noticeably more but he did 4 years) and then come out and make whatever beginning priests make...not much. Even full rectors, not much in the many smaller parishes which are part of the EC. Our denomination, one of the wealthiest, has less resources for its postulants than any other mainline group (or so I have read). What the hell is wrong with this picture?
And so there things sit for now. I have stuff to do and must get ready for work. I loved seminary, loved visiting and sitting in on classes, loved the community and the staff and faculty I met. I should have been there when I was mid 20's and not mid (yikes, just barely) 40's. But my head had to be put together and that took a long time, a long time. Again, I should be content: I am reasonably happy and well and spiritually growing; I already have a great job. Why I am not feeling called into the diaconate where I could keep my day job? I might at some point in the future feel that, but not at this time. Right now, it's all about getting that theological education and going into ministry in some form. I would never have believed I was writing this post 6 months ago; heck, not even 4 months ago. Still, there it is.
I tend to write long blog posts I know. So I'll cut this for now. But I woke this morning feeling anxious, scared, discouraged. Even if I get into seminary and I believe I would, even if I get through the diocesan discernment and I believe I have a good chance, even then...no one is going to hand me a check. A couple I met this week is getting financial help from their diocese back east. I don't think it happens out west. Again, a lot more money in TEC on the east coast.
So I ask again: how the hell do the people who take so much from TEC, from its liturgy and symbol and beauty and intelligence....how do they expect to continue to be served if money is not provided to help seminarians as educational costs rise and rise? We get what we pay for in this economy.
Oh, yes, and speaking of this economy, we still have equity in our home (thank God) but not very much...enough to pay for seminary three times over has evaporated in the last two years. Funny that I get my call now, so strong, and not as strong then. But then I have been putting my family first: getting wife through graduate school and making sure my son is well dressed, supported in his sports, always has money when he needs some. Sacrificing for others, for my wife's education. Now, wtf. I am angry a bit, mostly dismayed. The future does not look impossible, but it looks hard and it looks long. I fear if I wait too long, graduate at too late of an age, I will not be able to get a rectorship. But now I am far ahead of myself. I am a good leader and communicator...I will always have those skills.
all for now. peace and love.
Comments
http://www.episcopalmn.org/special_series/article168812c1811212.htm
If you look at the facts, 56% of the churches have lost more than 10% of their attendance in the last 5 years.
http://www.episcopalcafe.com/lead/Domestic%20%20FAST%20FACTS%202003-2007.pdf
65% of congregations have attendance of less than 100, which is really the cutoff point for employing a full time priest.
The simple fact is the Episcopal church is dying and this is the last generation of full time paid clergy for the majority of parishes.
Don't borrow to pay for a job that won't be there by the time you graduate. Layoffs of priests has started. You will be stuck with no job and lots of debts.
LC