Week of Ash Wednesday 09
I have posted before on Ash Wednesday (or during that week). I'd like to continue that mini tradition. As always on blog, I break all rules of writing process and begin with no idea where I'm heading. Kinda like therapy :)
I begin by noting that the post below is mostly rant. That is fine. If I had time, I'd estimate what percentage of the Psalms could be labeled "rant." A fair chunk, I think. So, I continue that tradition, as well.
My spiritual health has improved since I entered discernment in November; I have no doubt. I have more faith, a stronger connection to God (or if you wish, the Divine) and I feel motivated to begin things at my church, a book study for example, where before I had only nebulous goals and a less focused motivation. This summer I'm thinking of using a novel with religious themes; maybe doing that again in the fall or perhaps doing a gospel study. I'd love to do a blended academic/devotional study of Mark where we read the text as scripture but also raise some of the academic framework (its role among the synoptics, Mark's apparent rhetorical devices such as irony and the famous "sandwich," etc.). I know I have to teach to the audience, and my priest tells me our parishioners don't always "do their homework." We'll see. Also, there is such a delicate balance when it comes to introducing academic perspective, including even a little skepticism perhaps, to a community that is not used to it.
But I am rambling. The gist is that my spiritual life has come unstuck and for that I am very grateful.
Yesterday, at Ash, when the priest (a woman) put the host in my hand, she held onto my fingers just a bit, a very loving, very nurturing touch/grasp; I have not experienced that before and it was so powerful I think I gasped. That is the essence of the Eucharist to me, God and the priest expressing love to the communicant. I have always enjoyed communion, but that experience, and the Eucharist at the convention in November that sent me into discernment (after years of kicking it around)...those were peak moments. I believe I have a stronger spiritual sensibility. I remember when I entered discernment telling God, quite pragmatically, that I needed more faith if I was going to do this. So far at least that has happened even though I realized it long after I had forgotten that prayer. My faith is moving beyond the academic thrashing I know so well and into something with texture and depth.
All this is very wonderful, and I should be focusing on this. But I admit, as in my prior post, that the difficulties between me and ordination, let alone a job in ministry, seem enormous.
The commenter below suggests participation in shared ministry. That is a term I have heard before, and it is not a bad idea. Shared ministry means active, dynamic lay involvement. It might even mean unpaid ordained persons assisting, or lightly paid, ordained people with other incomes, but that latter model I don't know about. Shared ministry is a good thing, but will it ever fulfill the desire I feel now to represent God directly to the community as a priest? Maybe.
Anonymous also notes that the E church has been shrinking for some time. This is true, probably since the 60's or 70's. I think it is also true of many of the mainline Protestant denominations (Methodists, Lutherans) but there I have no data. TEC has surely been hurt by the installment of Gene Robinson in 2003, the openly gay bishop of New Hampshire, and, in my view, by the flaccid response so far coming out of Canterbury. I have mixed feelings here. Those who are not tolerant of gay persons, who are not willing to be educated and approach the bible realistically....how much have we really lost? Should we have asked gay persons to wait another generation or two or three for open acceptance as they pursue their own calls? I don't think so. I know the questions regarding unity of the communion are powerful questions, and I grieve at these losses (my first two priests, the ones who married us, have left over this issue), but if one is going to use the bible books to claim homosexual love and sex are outside God's will, then, ripping off C.S. Lewis I'll say it again: those who cannot read books written for grown-ups should not try.
My sense is that in the long term (and sadly, long term is likely to take all my life and longer) gay persons will be accepted, fully, by Christianity on a large scale. In some parts of the world that may never happen or may take centuries, but eventually, the fact that these persons have been marginalized for millenia will be obvious. This means, to me, that the fundamentalists in America, the many, many evangelicals who read the bible as the direct words of God, eventually they are going to lose the argument or better, realize they have already lost it. It is so clear that every document, including the biblical documents, must be placed in their historic contexts. They must be read and understood in this way. Sadly, changes in the church take a very long time, but I think TEC is on the right side, the Christian side, of the question. Unless some new information surfaces regarding gay orientation...and even then; I just can't see why God would care about the sex of the person we decide to commit our lives to. Sin must always defined as that which hurts another, and we as a race live and breathe in that activity as our atmosphere. But actions which are meant to enhance love I cannot see God opposing.
So why is TEC shrinking? Is it really a bad investment for my future? This is a fascinating question; I confess I like challenges, but I'd also note that many parishes are thriving and growing. Even in the first link Anonymous gives below, while the rector notes that pledges are down because of the economic crisis (something to be expected), she also notes that every year pledges have been increasing annually for some time at that rector's parish. One problem may be that TEC is not as, I want to say, as flexible, as the independent evangelical churches. I mean flexible geographically and architecturally. The old TEC parishes, many of them, go back to the second war and long before. So we find buildings meant to hold small numbers of people, often a half dozen churches in a single city. I think the city where I teach has at least four within fifteen minutes of each other, and more within easy driving distance of the city center. The, often newer, evangelical churches begin in a junior high some place and then build the buildings they need. People shift in and out and between the larger evangelical parishes. TEC is geographically and architecturally structured for a bygone era.
But what else? We don't often do outreach or evangelism. We don't have a simple gospel package message (though the Alpha class is doing this, and other programs) and probably the liturgy and our more formal, and participational, style has become remote for the average American. I am sure someone is studying this; I'll find out more later. Maybe we just need better bands...better and more dynamic presentations...
What do we have in our favor? Tolerance, for one! An intelligent (may I say modern) attitude towards the bible and science (sometimes). A gorgeous liturgical and symbolic tradition (depending on the diocese...some are still rather low church). A strong commitment to social action and charity many of the evangelical churches (polluted, in part, by social conservatism) seem to be only now discovering (pushed in part, I know, by the interaction of liturgicals like Richard Rohr with pastors like Rick Warren). The "emerging" church, exploding in numbers, is emerging in a social and doctrinal direction where TEC has been for decades. And again I stress, many parishes are thriving, consolidating into larger communities which represent the religious experience of many contemporary Americans. No, for now at least, I have great hope for TEC. And if the Anglican communion kicks us out, tragically, then so be it, though I would never wish it. How will they look to church historians in 200 years? How will those who choose to oppose gay marriage but allow remarriage for hets (out of pastoral care) look in 200 years?
The TEC does need to reinvent itself in some ways, ways I don't yet know, and frankly, I want to be part of that. I have for a long time. I want to reach the younger generation with the same practice/ritual/community/prayer book that has had such a dramatic impact on me. I guess that, too, is Call.
***
So, there it is. My wife and I tried to be more frugal this month and we still spent almost everything we brought home. She still has loans. My son still starts college in 18 mos. Even with "plan C," the only plan I can envision at the moment, where I move close to my college teaching job and then take the train or drive to the seminary campus (and that I can do; it is less than 90 minutes) there are tons of questions still. Could I really do my job and take six units of seminary a semester, even if some of that was online? Do I even WANT to take any of my seminary education online? There are a few summer courses and that is hopeful, but less than I'd like. Even if I could physically/practically handle the workload (and I have real doubts; my career keeps me pretty busy) could we then afford it? At least I would have my salary; we might be able to swing the costs loans; remember, my son starts college in 10 mos.
Of course, with Plan C, I will be even older when I come out of seminary. And the dark shadow of retirement reality rises...priests do have a retirement, as do teachers, but I think if I retire early from the college, before 55, it might have a big impact on what I collected. And I'm sure if I put in 30 years as a priest I'd do fine, but I will not be able to do that. Even if I work till 70 as a priest, and I might be able to do that (my own father is very healthy; he's 72 and still likes to work)...even at 70 I might, stress might, be able to do 20 years if I trot off to seminary full time. If I go part time, it will be less. Maybe 15 or 18 years at the very most...you see, I have lots of fears, lots of questions, lots of unknowns. My wife and I need to cut back even more on our spending and we are already trying. If I become a vocational priest, we probably will have to do that for the rest of our lives even when her career fully begins. Oh, and I'll work every Sunday and holiday for the rest of my life.... :)
Sighs.
Well, there you go. In closing, I still love Ash Wednesday and Lent. I am dust and to dust I will return. I appreciate the chance to reflect on my spiritual journey, party less (or not at all...still haven't decided if I will not drink at all this Lent but that is likely). So I welcome this Lenten season as a chance to grow as a spiritual person (another great thing TEC has: the Ecclesiastical calendar).
Errata: oh, my back injury is bothering me again...I did yoga and didn't give myself enough time to rest and soak after. Odd how that works. I'm supposed to see another specialist on Monday...it seems to be a soft tissue injury which still hasn't healed completely. Prayers appreciated.
Also, I really should find another therapist. I'm doing fine, managing well, not obsessing. But as my doctor says, it's nice to have a therapist out there someplace, even if I don't see him/her often. I've been out of therapy completely since last May...it's something I need to address. It costs me almost nothing with my insurance.
love to all.
I begin by noting that the post below is mostly rant. That is fine. If I had time, I'd estimate what percentage of the Psalms could be labeled "rant." A fair chunk, I think. So, I continue that tradition, as well.
My spiritual health has improved since I entered discernment in November; I have no doubt. I have more faith, a stronger connection to God (or if you wish, the Divine) and I feel motivated to begin things at my church, a book study for example, where before I had only nebulous goals and a less focused motivation. This summer I'm thinking of using a novel with religious themes; maybe doing that again in the fall or perhaps doing a gospel study. I'd love to do a blended academic/devotional study of Mark where we read the text as scripture but also raise some of the academic framework (its role among the synoptics, Mark's apparent rhetorical devices such as irony and the famous "sandwich," etc.). I know I have to teach to the audience, and my priest tells me our parishioners don't always "do their homework." We'll see. Also, there is such a delicate balance when it comes to introducing academic perspective, including even a little skepticism perhaps, to a community that is not used to it.
But I am rambling. The gist is that my spiritual life has come unstuck and for that I am very grateful.
Yesterday, at Ash, when the priest (a woman) put the host in my hand, she held onto my fingers just a bit, a very loving, very nurturing touch/grasp; I have not experienced that before and it was so powerful I think I gasped. That is the essence of the Eucharist to me, God and the priest expressing love to the communicant. I have always enjoyed communion, but that experience, and the Eucharist at the convention in November that sent me into discernment (after years of kicking it around)...those were peak moments. I believe I have a stronger spiritual sensibility. I remember when I entered discernment telling God, quite pragmatically, that I needed more faith if I was going to do this. So far at least that has happened even though I realized it long after I had forgotten that prayer. My faith is moving beyond the academic thrashing I know so well and into something with texture and depth.
All this is very wonderful, and I should be focusing on this. But I admit, as in my prior post, that the difficulties between me and ordination, let alone a job in ministry, seem enormous.
The commenter below suggests participation in shared ministry. That is a term I have heard before, and it is not a bad idea. Shared ministry means active, dynamic lay involvement. It might even mean unpaid ordained persons assisting, or lightly paid, ordained people with other incomes, but that latter model I don't know about. Shared ministry is a good thing, but will it ever fulfill the desire I feel now to represent God directly to the community as a priest? Maybe.
Anonymous also notes that the E church has been shrinking for some time. This is true, probably since the 60's or 70's. I think it is also true of many of the mainline Protestant denominations (Methodists, Lutherans) but there I have no data. TEC has surely been hurt by the installment of Gene Robinson in 2003, the openly gay bishop of New Hampshire, and, in my view, by the flaccid response so far coming out of Canterbury. I have mixed feelings here. Those who are not tolerant of gay persons, who are not willing to be educated and approach the bible realistically....how much have we really lost? Should we have asked gay persons to wait another generation or two or three for open acceptance as they pursue their own calls? I don't think so. I know the questions regarding unity of the communion are powerful questions, and I grieve at these losses (my first two priests, the ones who married us, have left over this issue), but if one is going to use the bible books to claim homosexual love and sex are outside God's will, then, ripping off C.S. Lewis I'll say it again: those who cannot read books written for grown-ups should not try.
My sense is that in the long term (and sadly, long term is likely to take all my life and longer) gay persons will be accepted, fully, by Christianity on a large scale. In some parts of the world that may never happen or may take centuries, but eventually, the fact that these persons have been marginalized for millenia will be obvious. This means, to me, that the fundamentalists in America, the many, many evangelicals who read the bible as the direct words of God, eventually they are going to lose the argument or better, realize they have already lost it. It is so clear that every document, including the biblical documents, must be placed in their historic contexts. They must be read and understood in this way. Sadly, changes in the church take a very long time, but I think TEC is on the right side, the Christian side, of the question. Unless some new information surfaces regarding gay orientation...and even then; I just can't see why God would care about the sex of the person we decide to commit our lives to. Sin must always defined as that which hurts another, and we as a race live and breathe in that activity as our atmosphere. But actions which are meant to enhance love I cannot see God opposing.
So why is TEC shrinking? Is it really a bad investment for my future? This is a fascinating question; I confess I like challenges, but I'd also note that many parishes are thriving and growing. Even in the first link Anonymous gives below, while the rector notes that pledges are down because of the economic crisis (something to be expected), she also notes that every year pledges have been increasing annually for some time at that rector's parish. One problem may be that TEC is not as, I want to say, as flexible, as the independent evangelical churches. I mean flexible geographically and architecturally. The old TEC parishes, many of them, go back to the second war and long before. So we find buildings meant to hold small numbers of people, often a half dozen churches in a single city. I think the city where I teach has at least four within fifteen minutes of each other, and more within easy driving distance of the city center. The, often newer, evangelical churches begin in a junior high some place and then build the buildings they need. People shift in and out and between the larger evangelical parishes. TEC is geographically and architecturally structured for a bygone era.
But what else? We don't often do outreach or evangelism. We don't have a simple gospel package message (though the Alpha class is doing this, and other programs) and probably the liturgy and our more formal, and participational, style has become remote for the average American. I am sure someone is studying this; I'll find out more later. Maybe we just need better bands...better and more dynamic presentations...
What do we have in our favor? Tolerance, for one! An intelligent (may I say modern) attitude towards the bible and science (sometimes). A gorgeous liturgical and symbolic tradition (depending on the diocese...some are still rather low church). A strong commitment to social action and charity many of the evangelical churches (polluted, in part, by social conservatism) seem to be only now discovering (pushed in part, I know, by the interaction of liturgicals like Richard Rohr with pastors like Rick Warren). The "emerging" church, exploding in numbers, is emerging in a social and doctrinal direction where TEC has been for decades. And again I stress, many parishes are thriving, consolidating into larger communities which represent the religious experience of many contemporary Americans. No, for now at least, I have great hope for TEC. And if the Anglican communion kicks us out, tragically, then so be it, though I would never wish it. How will they look to church historians in 200 years? How will those who choose to oppose gay marriage but allow remarriage for hets (out of pastoral care) look in 200 years?
The TEC does need to reinvent itself in some ways, ways I don't yet know, and frankly, I want to be part of that. I have for a long time. I want to reach the younger generation with the same practice/ritual/community/prayer book that has had such a dramatic impact on me. I guess that, too, is Call.
***
So, there it is. My wife and I tried to be more frugal this month and we still spent almost everything we brought home. She still has loans. My son still starts college in 18 mos. Even with "plan C," the only plan I can envision at the moment, where I move close to my college teaching job and then take the train or drive to the seminary campus (and that I can do; it is less than 90 minutes) there are tons of questions still. Could I really do my job and take six units of seminary a semester, even if some of that was online? Do I even WANT to take any of my seminary education online? There are a few summer courses and that is hopeful, but less than I'd like. Even if I could physically/practically handle the workload (and I have real doubts; my career keeps me pretty busy) could we then afford it? At least I would have my salary; we might be able to swing the costs loans; remember, my son starts college in 10 mos.
Of course, with Plan C, I will be even older when I come out of seminary. And the dark shadow of retirement reality rises...priests do have a retirement, as do teachers, but I think if I retire early from the college, before 55, it might have a big impact on what I collected. And I'm sure if I put in 30 years as a priest I'd do fine, but I will not be able to do that. Even if I work till 70 as a priest, and I might be able to do that (my own father is very healthy; he's 72 and still likes to work)...even at 70 I might, stress might, be able to do 20 years if I trot off to seminary full time. If I go part time, it will be less. Maybe 15 or 18 years at the very most...you see, I have lots of fears, lots of questions, lots of unknowns. My wife and I need to cut back even more on our spending and we are already trying. If I become a vocational priest, we probably will have to do that for the rest of our lives even when her career fully begins. Oh, and I'll work every Sunday and holiday for the rest of my life.... :)
Sighs.
Well, there you go. In closing, I still love Ash Wednesday and Lent. I am dust and to dust I will return. I appreciate the chance to reflect on my spiritual journey, party less (or not at all...still haven't decided if I will not drink at all this Lent but that is likely). So I welcome this Lenten season as a chance to grow as a spiritual person (another great thing TEC has: the Ecclesiastical calendar).
Errata: oh, my back injury is bothering me again...I did yoga and didn't give myself enough time to rest and soak after. Odd how that works. I'm supposed to see another specialist on Monday...it seems to be a soft tissue injury which still hasn't healed completely. Prayers appreciated.
Also, I really should find another therapist. I'm doing fine, managing well, not obsessing. But as my doctor says, it's nice to have a therapist out there someplace, even if I don't see him/her often. I've been out of therapy completely since last May...it's something I need to address. It costs me almost nothing with my insurance.
love to all.
Comments