Hard Day
I really appreciate Mike's comment on my last post, because for some reason that was the first entry I've regretted after I sent it. At least I felt disquiet. When I looked closer at the uneasiness, I realized a couple strange things: one, I really am not an expert on the nt and feel like I should be one before I talk about it; and two, I don't feel like a very spiritual person. Jeez. One good thing is that blogging forces me to go back and look at what I wrote and learn from it myself! But I started comparing myself to the (imagined) lives of those I know read my blog. Christians all, and all Christians longer than me, more faith than me, blah blah blah. You get the drift. The ceaseless internal critical voice I still fight, and perhaps spiritual war as well. In either case, I think I should write more posts like that in defiance of both!
The fact is, after a few really good days last week, my anxiety has crept back in. Summers are tough. True, I don't have to go to work, but my son is with his (other) dad all summer, my wife is picking up extra shifts at work (four straight this weekend) and since she works 12 hours at a pop, I just kind of hang around the house. In my town, that's tough. I've been up here more than three years, and the winters don't bother me, the snow doesn't bother me (got me a shovel and a subaru) and even the drive two days a week doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the lack of people up here, and frankly, some of the people who are up here.
The forest is very beautiful, but my town is mostly retirees and everyone is spread out geographically. And there really is such a thing as foothill culture. My wife sees it more at the hospital up here than I do, but subtle racism (if there is such a thing), hard right politics, the terminal high school diploma...it's all over this place. My little episcopal church (and even that's 20 minutes away) has some very odd (to my urban eyes) people who in fact have very good hearts. It's good for me to see and learn that. But they're mostly older, live in all directions, and they all work! I'm essentially a stay at home mom all summer, without kids or neighbors.
That even sounds bad when I read it. For me, it's not good. I grew up alone much of the time, and I don't relish it now though I do enjoy some time to myself; how else would I blog, read? My son is starting 7th grade and we don't want him to switch schools, and I hated the valley. Meaning if I keep tenure I stay in the Sierras, and we'll probably be here until he graduates high school. So the solution is to find people, find hobbies, and take it one day at a time. Errands and things to do make the day go fast. It's largely about structuring time.
Anyway, I need to do my exposure/relaxation exercises (and if those sound mysterious, look here. My ocd issue isn't germs and washing, but it's no less disturbing. And then I'll come up with some other pasttime. More wood floor. Maybe work in the garden. I could be stuck in a cubicle; freedom is something. Steph just called and said I should go to the pool. I forgot we (our community) had one.
Anyway, thanks all for letting me share.
t
The fact is, after a few really good days last week, my anxiety has crept back in. Summers are tough. True, I don't have to go to work, but my son is with his (other) dad all summer, my wife is picking up extra shifts at work (four straight this weekend) and since she works 12 hours at a pop, I just kind of hang around the house. In my town, that's tough. I've been up here more than three years, and the winters don't bother me, the snow doesn't bother me (got me a shovel and a subaru) and even the drive two days a week doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the lack of people up here, and frankly, some of the people who are up here.
The forest is very beautiful, but my town is mostly retirees and everyone is spread out geographically. And there really is such a thing as foothill culture. My wife sees it more at the hospital up here than I do, but subtle racism (if there is such a thing), hard right politics, the terminal high school diploma...it's all over this place. My little episcopal church (and even that's 20 minutes away) has some very odd (to my urban eyes) people who in fact have very good hearts. It's good for me to see and learn that. But they're mostly older, live in all directions, and they all work! I'm essentially a stay at home mom all summer, without kids or neighbors.
That even sounds bad when I read it. For me, it's not good. I grew up alone much of the time, and I don't relish it now though I do enjoy some time to myself; how else would I blog, read? My son is starting 7th grade and we don't want him to switch schools, and I hated the valley. Meaning if I keep tenure I stay in the Sierras, and we'll probably be here until he graduates high school. So the solution is to find people, find hobbies, and take it one day at a time. Errands and things to do make the day go fast. It's largely about structuring time.
Anyway, I need to do my exposure/relaxation exercises (and if those sound mysterious, look here. My ocd issue isn't germs and washing, but it's no less disturbing. And then I'll come up with some other pasttime. More wood floor. Maybe work in the garden. I could be stuck in a cubicle; freedom is something. Steph just called and said I should go to the pool. I forgot we (our community) had one.
Anyway, thanks all for letting me share.
t
Comments
I read this post first, then the next one on Christianity from the Inside 4.0. It was striking to me how closely these two posts really go together. Where 4.0 outlines the reason and argument for hope and faith in Jesus, this post demonstrates this faith in the actions of your life, your transparency.
People are broken (I am broken and so is everyone else I know). But there's still that insane urge to pretend "we're all fine here, thanks, how are you?" or at least not to openly reveal the things that make us feel most vulnerable. To see someone else who is willing to do this in his own life is so disarming. Frankly, it gives me encouragement to do the same.
Anyway, thanks. Keep sharing. - Karen J.
I sincerely appreciate your response. And yeah, I guess they do go together. This may sound odd, overly focused on myself (hey, it is my blog; why not talk about myself and use parentheticals all I want) but when I first began writing about my faith, I felt compelled to make sure I included my personal struggles. Why? Because I'd fallen under the illusion before...jeez, c.s. lewis, bill bright, matt h., whoever, these guys must have no problems. Of course they never said that, I assumed it.
Still, the church is too often an artifically happy and scrubbed clean place. We put on our best clothes, we smile...the same thing most Americans do at work. I know lots of people are aware of this and are trying to change it; I'm just doing one small part. And truthfully, I don't ever want anyone assuming I have all the answers or have a perfect life. I have a challenging life, and suffered chronically for a long, long time before. Why not interweave my continuing issues with talk of my faith? It seems the only honest thing for me. And of course, I get to share!
But this really is my vision of the gospel, and one I strive toward making real in my own life: reliance on Christ on a regular basis, denial of the destructive components of the self, charity as a choice. What else is there? Oxycontin?
Thanks again K. I dug you and your hubby when I was in Vancouver last time. Hope to see you both again.
t