Halloween
It's been a rough week. I'm so busy I haven't been reading other blogs, let alone posting to them, and there is so much crap going on at work right now...I know it will all work itself out in some sense, but I don't like the uncertainty. It's an issue of mine: I like my life to feel stable. But I'm tired, physically, emotionally, even spiritually. The strongest feelings about my job are gradually diminishing; I feel them less often and less intensely. But they're not gone. And my serenity is blown to snot. Things don't feel good, don't feel right. I don't feel close to S. This whole mess sucks. No matter what, they way I experience my job and my dept. have changed. I will have online classes fall 05 but probably not the next spring. And then I have to wait around for someone else to roll off rotation, three semesters probably, or try to add further sections. It makes me angry that the few of us who want to teach online are being restricted.
My district, I've found, is pushing online more than ever. But when we, and I was one of those involved in this, brought it to my campus we wanted each department to have control.
ohmygod, Rudy Guliani just called, or his recorded voice, telling me to trust my current administration; I told you it was a bad day.
Anyway, at my college Deans can't schedule online apart from department approval, and that approval comes slowly and in increments. I used to believe in that model, now I'm not so sure.
Could I have presented my case better? Sure, but these people are smart; they know what's at stake. I'm still more angry than I thought. Two faculty went to lunch with me Thursday, it was so beautiful, and tried to talk me into staying. I appreciate it, and I know I'm still in over react mode, but I wish it was all over and I had closure. Then again, closure almost never brings true closure.
I've tried to make the best decisions in my life I could; I've worked hard to build a life for myself. And ocd has kept me from experiencing much of that life. Things were so much better until this whole mess at work started.
***
Oddly, things at my dinky church are improving, a little. More people are attending though they are still mostly older. I still think our rector is clueless, though sincere; this is sad, and I'm hoping my perspective, and his ability to relate to people, both become more generous. I am doing a bit more work via vestry. It feels like a good time for the parish, or the beginning of one.
The wind is beginning to move in the trees a little. It's warmed up to about normal temps. since our snow; highs in the fifties or sixties, crisp nights. The dogwood in my yard, which always changes later than most, is turning. These are good things.
I have more work to do, and I need to go. I'm still stuck in blogolescence; I don't know if I like having such an open blog for all I have to share. But at this point in my life I have time to consider.
Gosh I miss having a meeting. That's the biggest hardship of being up here. Perhaps I can find one down the hill? God help me to find one. But I'm not doing the footwork, I'm not looking. God help me to do the footwork.
current mood: I'm tired
current music: U2/unforgettable fire (in response to scooter's link this article here)
My district, I've found, is pushing online more than ever. But when we, and I was one of those involved in this, brought it to my campus we wanted each department to have control.
ohmygod, Rudy Guliani just called, or his recorded voice, telling me to trust my current administration; I told you it was a bad day.
Anyway, at my college Deans can't schedule online apart from department approval, and that approval comes slowly and in increments. I used to believe in that model, now I'm not so sure.
Could I have presented my case better? Sure, but these people are smart; they know what's at stake. I'm still more angry than I thought. Two faculty went to lunch with me Thursday, it was so beautiful, and tried to talk me into staying. I appreciate it, and I know I'm still in over react mode, but I wish it was all over and I had closure. Then again, closure almost never brings true closure.
I've tried to make the best decisions in my life I could; I've worked hard to build a life for myself. And ocd has kept me from experiencing much of that life. Things were so much better until this whole mess at work started.
***
Oddly, things at my dinky church are improving, a little. More people are attending though they are still mostly older. I still think our rector is clueless, though sincere; this is sad, and I'm hoping my perspective, and his ability to relate to people, both become more generous. I am doing a bit more work via vestry. It feels like a good time for the parish, or the beginning of one.
The wind is beginning to move in the trees a little. It's warmed up to about normal temps. since our snow; highs in the fifties or sixties, crisp nights. The dogwood in my yard, which always changes later than most, is turning. These are good things.
I have more work to do, and I need to go. I'm still stuck in blogolescence; I don't know if I like having such an open blog for all I have to share. But at this point in my life I have time to consider.
Gosh I miss having a meeting. That's the biggest hardship of being up here. Perhaps I can find one down the hill? God help me to find one. But I'm not doing the footwork, I'm not looking. God help me to do the footwork.
current mood: I'm tired
current music: U2/unforgettable fire (in response to scooter's link this article here)
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