Friday's Child

Another Friday, another sesssion in my therapist's office talking about my father and seeing B, my stepbro. Is she pushing me? It really doesn't feel that way. But it is very hard for me after those sessions, especially the first couple of days. Obsessions, depression, and in my better moments, hurt, anger, fear. My head is much above water compared to where it would have been a few years ago with all this dad contact going on. This is, after all, my core, or half of it. Still, it is harder than I thought it would be.

I finally worked out today, lifted and cardio. First time in probably three weeks. Second time in probably two months. It was great, but it far from fixed everything I'm feeling.

Came home, cranked up rob zombie and manson on napster. I need the angry music (I worked out to limp bizkit on the head set); I have to keep my anger in front of me or it will drive me into despair and deep, obsessive loops: either of these is a form of self-abuse. I'm having mixed results feeling my feelings, but I'm getting some breathing room. I remember when I couldn't get that for days at a time.

When I started this blog, I didn't expect to use it for this. I thought it would be a tool for me to share the gospel, write about my faith; I'd share my struggles alongside my theology as a show of honesty. Even, if I may say it, show off a little while I sorted things out for myself. This strikes me as a bit funny now. As the last month, especially, and even the month and a half before that, have been quite tough and it's pouring out here. This isn't the only place, but it's one of them.

So, what else to say? I'm behind in my grading still, though I'm catching up; we're having a holiday party Sun. and have oodles of work to do to get ready. This is a good thing. Distraction, keeping busy, is an excellent response to depression and anxiety, as long as it's positive activity. These days my distractions usually are. Many of my old acting out behaviors have faded, save the internal ones, the toughest ones of all, which are not positive and must be resisited.

So I'm cleaning floor glue off the hardwood, grading, praying a little (my faith is still off kilter) and writing this. S will be home in about three hours. Mike has a dance tonight at his school. This really is very sweet. He slow dances with girls. I never did that at 12. It must be quite the rush, though mostly he goes to see his friends. Or so he tells us.

You know, he is one of the best basketball players on his team. Maybe the best all around. Pretty cool thing. You should see his confidence level. It's wonderful to watch his life unfold the way that it is. I hope his teenage years aren't pure crisis for S and I, but I think he'll keep his conscientous core. I just can't imagine him getting hairy and stinky, yet I know he's close.

I worry about his high school, but that's another thing.

So here I am, another Friday, another day in the Nam, hanging in, figuring I may never experience nirvana in this life, but hoping to get a little closer.

The feelings are just pouring through me like water; maybe I should try to write a poem. It would be my first in, oh, two years? My friend, who really is quasi-famous, writes ten hours a week.

So I'm drifting. Blah blah blah. The simple sentence construction of a share.

Thanks to all who read and even more to those who pray. Many thanks to Amanda for her wonderful post below. How community helps.