Sunday's Child
I must say, yesterday was mostly a good day; at times, it was a brilliant, best of the year day. Story of my life.
I had a hard Saturday. How hard? Well, listen to "Tourette's" on In Utero and you'll get an idea. The lift began driving home; I got so angry at my father, at ocd, at everything. A friend called me on my cell; I pulled over and just let it go, talked it out for ten intense minutes. He said, 'what do you need right now, feeling so intense?' And I thought of what my therapist says, 'you have to move it, move the feeling out.' So I talked, and did.
And then yesterday morning I was in church (I've missed the last two weeks though it's advent). Despite all my doubts, there is no way to deny the empirical value (sounds sterile, I know) of being in Christian community. Of hearing the gospel reading, of taking the body and blood in faith. For the altar rail is about the only place my doubt disappears, and I prayed briefly but intensely for my son and his unbaptized friend next to us. Then the poetry of the gorgeous advent hymns and the duet during communion, sung by two very young women in beatific harmony. The emotional release was incredbile. Purification beyond catharsis.
Yesterday was also our holiday open house. S thought of it and we only started planning and inviting people Tuesday of this week, but our house was packed. I think we had about 30 people come. It looked like a tv commercial of what a holiday party should be. A couple came from our neighborhood, others from church, from S's work, even an old friend from Sac. Ham, mulled wine, pecan pie...you guys know my love for food and drink by now. And you know the amazing thing? I often feel so isolated up here, so down on where I live, but I could tell most people at this party were envying us. Look at this house, look at this food, most of all, look at all these people!
One woman who is going through a bitter divorce and who does not attend church said, 'so, you guys go to a pretty neat church, huh?' I've said before how hard I've struggled trying to fit in at my little mountain parish. But I had to look around and say, 'yeah, I guess so.' Then she said, 'this is what life's all about.' And I thought, my god, she's right. She's also more isolated than I am, and going though a much harder time. My house is full of kind (if mostly older) people in holiday sweaters all talking to each other and eating and drinking. It was a powerful moment. A wonderful day. Some of us hung around later and drank nog (that stuff is liquid ice cream) and rum and then S and I watched tv and basked in the beauty, the lingering energy of so many people still radiating in our home.
How do I get more days like that?
The answers are there: keep doing the hard recovery work, moving feelings out, consciously relax my mind when I can (including exposure work), attend church and keep reaching out to that community, trust God and ask for help; build what I need. My brother said it's no big deal that my church is so small (though the service is growing, it's doubled since we started); he said, 'make your choice and make it work' or something like that. Stick with one place and try. Yesterday, it was all working.
I think I'm mr. isolated and yet we threw the best attended holiday party of the season. How funny is that? Something more than funny.
So you see, it's Friday, but Friday always passes to Sunday, to Monday, to another day. I know that, but it's great when it happens. I don't feel 100 percent okay today, but more than 90, and I'll take it.
I am writing this again, quickly, papers hanging over my head. But I had to let you guys know I was feeling better the last two days. I do want to write more, take more time, on the blog...in a week or so when my grades are in maybe.
Peace to all, and Merry Christmas
I had a hard Saturday. How hard? Well, listen to "Tourette's" on In Utero and you'll get an idea. The lift began driving home; I got so angry at my father, at ocd, at everything. A friend called me on my cell; I pulled over and just let it go, talked it out for ten intense minutes. He said, 'what do you need right now, feeling so intense?' And I thought of what my therapist says, 'you have to move it, move the feeling out.' So I talked, and did.
And then yesterday morning I was in church (I've missed the last two weeks though it's advent). Despite all my doubts, there is no way to deny the empirical value (sounds sterile, I know) of being in Christian community. Of hearing the gospel reading, of taking the body and blood in faith. For the altar rail is about the only place my doubt disappears, and I prayed briefly but intensely for my son and his unbaptized friend next to us. Then the poetry of the gorgeous advent hymns and the duet during communion, sung by two very young women in beatific harmony. The emotional release was incredbile. Purification beyond catharsis.
Yesterday was also our holiday open house. S thought of it and we only started planning and inviting people Tuesday of this week, but our house was packed. I think we had about 30 people come. It looked like a tv commercial of what a holiday party should be. A couple came from our neighborhood, others from church, from S's work, even an old friend from Sac. Ham, mulled wine, pecan pie...you guys know my love for food and drink by now. And you know the amazing thing? I often feel so isolated up here, so down on where I live, but I could tell most people at this party were envying us. Look at this house, look at this food, most of all, look at all these people!
One woman who is going through a bitter divorce and who does not attend church said, 'so, you guys go to a pretty neat church, huh?' I've said before how hard I've struggled trying to fit in at my little mountain parish. But I had to look around and say, 'yeah, I guess so.' Then she said, 'this is what life's all about.' And I thought, my god, she's right. She's also more isolated than I am, and going though a much harder time. My house is full of kind (if mostly older) people in holiday sweaters all talking to each other and eating and drinking. It was a powerful moment. A wonderful day. Some of us hung around later and drank nog (that stuff is liquid ice cream) and rum and then S and I watched tv and basked in the beauty, the lingering energy of so many people still radiating in our home.
How do I get more days like that?
The answers are there: keep doing the hard recovery work, moving feelings out, consciously relax my mind when I can (including exposure work), attend church and keep reaching out to that community, trust God and ask for help; build what I need. My brother said it's no big deal that my church is so small (though the service is growing, it's doubled since we started); he said, 'make your choice and make it work' or something like that. Stick with one place and try. Yesterday, it was all working.
I think I'm mr. isolated and yet we threw the best attended holiday party of the season. How funny is that? Something more than funny.
So you see, it's Friday, but Friday always passes to Sunday, to Monday, to another day. I know that, but it's great when it happens. I don't feel 100 percent okay today, but more than 90, and I'll take it.
I am writing this again, quickly, papers hanging over my head. But I had to let you guys know I was feeling better the last two days. I do want to write more, take more time, on the blog...in a week or so when my grades are in maybe.
Peace to all, and Merry Christmas
Comments
I have such an image of how warm and welcoming your holiday open house in the woods was... Friends and acquaintances talking and milling, the clink of glasses, laughter, music, delicious tastes and smells. Sounds lovely!