Almost Forty

Oh my God, this is the best

Mm, I want you to trip like me
I want you to have fun

Me and you

Oh my God, this is the best
Mm, I want you to trip like I do

--Crystal Method/Trip Like I Do--

Today is certainly better than yesterday, and the great rule of emotion once again proves true: if I feel it, it passes. If I act it out, it controls me and feels much worse when I touch it. To quote social d., 'the story of my life.'

And on the musical note, I began with lyrics from an electronica anthem because (as a new napster subscriber) I'm discovering fresh music every day. And frankly, that song, and those lyrics (if they are that) are the smokingest thing I've heard since 'you know you're right' was released on nirvana's black album. And that had quite a different feel.

I am still drained.

Workmen from a glass shop are trying to put in a new patio slider; the one they have opens the wrong way so they're going to install it as is, come back and then switch out the right one. It's certainly better, even backward, than the one that was in there before: it broke completely off track a week ago and wouldn't close.

My 40th birthday dinner is coming up, and it feels scary and sad and happy at once. My Dean, who is now one of the campus v.p.'s, is coming with her husband, and I think it's awesome. The two guys I invited from work...I know they want to come but maybe, we'll see. They're both family guys. I do have a few cool people coming from the hill. I wish you guys could be there, but of course I understand!

And wasn't it Bilbo's 50th birthday, which in hobbit years is equivalent to our 40th, when he ran off with the dwarves? Or it was right around that time? I can't recall. But with half my life over, if I'm lucky really, I have begun to contemplate: what have I done with my life, what could I do, what do I want to do? I chose a profession which would give me freedom for time with my family, and I have that, more than most guys. And I have more time for myself, though I too often squander it on things which aren't in my best interest: watching tv, or surfing the web, or just doing nothing. Time is precious beyond comprehension.

It was Ceasar's 40th year which sent him into an introspective spiral, I think. And what did he do? Invade a bunch of people, including his own country. Surely there are alternatives.

And what should be done with life's time? Personal care, personal pleasure, wealth accumulation, treasure in heaven? I can't do all those things. I've given up the wealth idea as a teacher. We do okay, and it will get better with every year (especially when my wife starts doing therapy). But I spent so much energy on surviving during my first 40 years, and on trying to make my life a secure place, that I need a new set of goals. There is nothing wrong with taking care of myself as long I include the needs of others; there is nothing wrong with reaching out to love my family, or to support those in the community when I can. I suppose taking care of myself in the truest sense, letting myself be taken up by positive causes which are larger than myself while still nurturing my own center, is the highest level of self-care. Cast my bread on the waters. Love myself and, according to Jesus, build eternal treasure in heaven.

But how I love to zone. Zone, zone, zone. It's how I've relaxed for decades. Zone, zone, zone. At least my dog ate my age of myth game cd some months back. But I don't write poems though I have some ability; I don't read as much as I'd like (that one really is true); surely I don't pray like I'd like.

I'll keep you posted how it actually feels to turn 400, I mean 40. I remember 30 exactly, 20 close enough; I remember the day. I barely remember 10, the feeling of going from one digit to two and knowing I would probably not make it to three. I guess I could calcuate my age using another calendar. What am I in Mayan years?

Be well all.

t