Almost Forty


Oh my God, this is the best

Mm, I want you to trip like me
I want you to have fun

Me and you

Oh my God, this is the best
Mm, I want you to trip like I do

--Crystal Method/Trip Like I Do--

Today is certainly better than yesterday, and the great rule of emotion once again proves true: if I feel it, it passes. If I act it out, it controls me and feels much worse when I touch it. To quote social d., 'the story of my life.'

And on the musical note, I began with lyrics from an electronica anthem because (as a new napster subscriber) I'm discovering fresh music every day. And frankly, that song, and those lyrics (if they are that) are the smokingest thing I've heard since 'you know you're right' was released on nirvana's black album. And that had quite a different feel.

I am still drained.

Workmen from a glass shop are trying to put in a new patio slider; the one they have opens the wrong way so they're going to install it as is, come back and then switch out the right one. It's certainly better, even backward, than the one that was in there before: it broke completely off track a week ago and wouldn't close.

My 40th birthday dinner is coming up, and it feels scary and sad and happy at once. My Dean, who is now one of the campus v.p.'s, is coming with her husband, and I think it's awesome. The two guys I invited from work...I know they want to come but maybe, we'll see. They're both family guys. I do have a few cool people coming from the hill. I wish you guys could be there, but of course I understand!

And wasn't it Bilbo's 50th birthday, which in hobbit years is equivalent to our 40th, when he ran off with the dwarves? Or it was right around that time? I can't recall. But with half my life over, if I'm lucky really, I have begun to contemplate: what have I done with my life, what could I do, what do I want to do? I chose a profession which would give me freedom for time with my family, and I have that, more than most guys. And I have more time for myself, though I too often squander it on things which aren't in my best interest: watching tv, or surfing the web, or just doing nothing. Time is precious beyond comprehension.

It was Ceasar's 40th year which sent him into an introspective spiral, I think. And what did he do? Invade a bunch of people, including his own country. Surely there are alternatives.

And what should be done with life's time? Personal care, personal pleasure, wealth accumulation, treasure in heaven? I can't do all those things. I've given up the wealth idea as a teacher. We do okay, and it will get better with every year (especially when my wife starts doing therapy). But I spent so much energy on surviving during my first 40 years, and on trying to make my life a secure place, that I need a new set of goals. There is nothing wrong with taking care of myself as long I include the needs of others; there is nothing wrong with reaching out to love my family, or to support those in the community when I can. I suppose taking care of myself in the truest sense, letting myself be taken up by positive causes which are larger than myself while still nurturing my own center, is the highest level of self-care. Cast my bread on the waters. Love myself and, according to Jesus, build eternal treasure in heaven.

But how I love to zone. Zone, zone, zone. It's how I've relaxed for decades. Zone, zone, zone. At least my dog ate my age of myth game cd some months back. But I don't write poems though I have some ability; I don't read as much as I'd like (that one really is true); surely I don't pray like I'd like.

I'll keep you posted how it actually feels to turn 400, I mean 40. I remember 30 exactly, 20 close enough; I remember the day. I barely remember 10, the feeling of going from one digit to two and knowing I would probably not make it to three. I guess I could calcuate my age using another calendar. What am I in Mayan years?

Be well all.

t






Comments

KMJ said…
Happy early birthday!
10:01 PM
David Trigueros said…
Yes, happy birthday today and on 9/11.
10:38 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

First Step and the Consiliari

Wife and son have the bug and went out late to the midnight after thanksgiving sales...best of luck. I am far too old for that madness. I had my first meeting with my priest and formally announced my intention to enter discernment. Or, in the lingo, "articulated my call." I really don't like the "call" term. I mean, St. Paul, blinded for three days in Luke's account; now that's a call. Surely, Peter, fishing when Jesus shows up and says follow me; that's a call. My own complex process of discernment? Not sure if the term fits. I said a long time ago, right here on this blog, that I'd only enter ministry if 1) I had the desire 2) others had the desire for me and 3) circumstances permitted. I actually think number 2 has been the case, quietly the case, around me at my parish for some time; I'm sure I'll get the chance to explore that more deeply. Right now number 1 is pretty much still the case for me. I am trying to be very caref
Read more

Hey Gang

Well, it's nice to be back. My life has changed to much since my last posts all I have time for is an update. Deep breath. I gave up the idea of the priesthood around the last time I wrote about it here, maybe a few months before. When I realized five years ago that my son would be starting his freshman year at college, and we'd be paying for half of it at least, splitting costs with his bio-dad, the same year I would start seminary I thought: this just cannot happen. My wife was still underpaid, working as an intern, and I had been the primary breadwinner all the years we've lived together and my son is, well, my son. It is my job to make his life as good as I can. It felt selfish, narcissistic, I am not sure of the word, but I knew I could not pay for both or was not willing to try. Maybe I should have, maybe I should have, but instead I began re inventing myself in other ways. First, anyone who actually reads this will be glad to know, my ocd symptoms, so jarring f
Read more

Wanting to Come Back....

I really need, want, to write again here. In the quippish world of facebook world there is no anonymity. Here, I had (some) anonymity but I never knew who read. It's a lot easier for a friend of mine to write some funny comment (quip) after a post on facebook; less common, exponentially less common, to get comments to know who is reading here. And so for two years I've been stuck trying to decide: do I blog again here, do I write posts under my actual name, do I just do notes in facebook? More and more I'm leaning here. I want to write a memoir, and this will provide me a place to sketch vignettes, moments...memories. Plus, I wrote a lot here about my recovery over the years and that recovery is proceeding pretty well right now. I'm in a good spot for the most part though I have plenty left to process. I can do that here also. So, it's summer; I hope to get something up here before too long. love to all.
Read more