Another Tough Afternoon
This day started well, and the last two weeks have been good, for me and for S and I. Then I started sinking.
Over what? Stupid things. There is some political bullshit battle on my campus, I don't even know what it is, and this group (anonymously, of course) went to a web site called Rate My Professors and distributed three very negative evals for business faculty on my campus. Ah, the collegial mood.
I had never heard of this site, and being a fan of free speech, checked myself out (all the professors are up there). There were only four evals I think, and they were ridiculous. Overall marginally positive, but with some critical (and I think untrue) shots that really hurt. I have a sensitive ego; I think partly I went into this job so I wouldn't be evaluated constantly. Ah, the security, the loft, the power, really, of the tenured professorship. And when I am criticized unexpectedly like that...ouch. Big trigger. I felt rejected by my parents so much as a child, over and over, I crave adulation now. I used to bust my butt (at work and elsewhere) to get it, and I have since I've relaxed a bit and am trying to relax even more. But still...
And for some reason I'm feeling very 'outside' my Christianity. I have so many doubts and when my mood goes south they feel much larger, the anxiety that comes with them, or that drives them, is of course stronger. The solution for me is to continue my intellectual exploration of both sides of my faith, and seek assurance from God in other ways, when my anxiety has dropped to normal levels. But for now, to quote the bizkit, 'it's one of those days.'
And I'm still upset about what happened in Russia. Very. A student sent me a slideshow I wish I hadn't seen, pictures of dead and wounded children. It ended with words something to the effect of 'explain this world to me.' Know what? I can't right now. I'm reading the 9/11 Report; it's intensely informative and quite detailed, but what does it tell me: that the terrorists who attacked us and want to attack us again aren't enraged Chomsky-reading liberal intellectuals who have sampled our culture and reject it, out to punish our country for injustices in central america or for our rampant quasi-secular materialism. No, they're hateful psychopaths who blame, in print, the u.s. for things we have no control over, who truly believe Allah/God has given them an invective decree to butcher us, politicans, military, civilians alike. Is Israel oppressing Palestinians? Yes. I have a student who just arrived from Palestine in my online class and the little he has told us is already powerful. But does that justify killing innocent Americans?
And the witnesses who survived the school massacre said the armed assailants approached them shouting 'god is great,' same as the hijackers on 9/11 I believe. Let's hope they're right. Because if he is he will make long work of you.
I am overloaded, and now is not the time to engage intellectual questions about my faith (or anything else really).
On the bright side (I think) I turn 40 this 9/11, and have a party the next Saturday at a wonderful french country restaurant. Ah, food, wine, friends and my family. These I know are true.
Maybe I should post something good about myself at the professor rating website! Nah, I'll let it go.
t
Over what? Stupid things. There is some political bullshit battle on my campus, I don't even know what it is, and this group (anonymously, of course) went to a web site called Rate My Professors and distributed three very negative evals for business faculty on my campus. Ah, the collegial mood.
I had never heard of this site, and being a fan of free speech, checked myself out (all the professors are up there). There were only four evals I think, and they were ridiculous. Overall marginally positive, but with some critical (and I think untrue) shots that really hurt. I have a sensitive ego; I think partly I went into this job so I wouldn't be evaluated constantly. Ah, the security, the loft, the power, really, of the tenured professorship. And when I am criticized unexpectedly like that...ouch. Big trigger. I felt rejected by my parents so much as a child, over and over, I crave adulation now. I used to bust my butt (at work and elsewhere) to get it, and I have since I've relaxed a bit and am trying to relax even more. But still...
And for some reason I'm feeling very 'outside' my Christianity. I have so many doubts and when my mood goes south they feel much larger, the anxiety that comes with them, or that drives them, is of course stronger. The solution for me is to continue my intellectual exploration of both sides of my faith, and seek assurance from God in other ways, when my anxiety has dropped to normal levels. But for now, to quote the bizkit, 'it's one of those days.'
And I'm still upset about what happened in Russia. Very. A student sent me a slideshow I wish I hadn't seen, pictures of dead and wounded children. It ended with words something to the effect of 'explain this world to me.' Know what? I can't right now. I'm reading the 9/11 Report; it's intensely informative and quite detailed, but what does it tell me: that the terrorists who attacked us and want to attack us again aren't enraged Chomsky-reading liberal intellectuals who have sampled our culture and reject it, out to punish our country for injustices in central america or for our rampant quasi-secular materialism. No, they're hateful psychopaths who blame, in print, the u.s. for things we have no control over, who truly believe Allah/God has given them an invective decree to butcher us, politicans, military, civilians alike. Is Israel oppressing Palestinians? Yes. I have a student who just arrived from Palestine in my online class and the little he has told us is already powerful. But does that justify killing innocent Americans?
And the witnesses who survived the school massacre said the armed assailants approached them shouting 'god is great,' same as the hijackers on 9/11 I believe. Let's hope they're right. Because if he is he will make long work of you.
I am overloaded, and now is not the time to engage intellectual questions about my faith (or anything else really).
On the bright side (I think) I turn 40 this 9/11, and have a party the next Saturday at a wonderful french country restaurant. Ah, food, wine, friends and my family. These I know are true.
Maybe I should post something good about myself at the professor rating website! Nah, I'll let it go.
t
Comments
I so hear you on the whole "ratings" thing...both Mike and I have been rated at ratemyteachers.com. I have seven ratings, six positive and one, well, weird. See them at http://www.ratemyteachers.com/ShowRatings.jsp?tid=950493
I am really bugged by that one. The anonymity is great for the kids, I guess, but it sure can play havoc with one's emotions. I may blog about this.
I have students also who often ask me how do I explain the world's nastiness and how could horrible things be done in God's name?
My answer usually follows along the lines of this is the result of world affairs in the hands of people. We are dirty, horrible creatures. This premise is difficult for a humanist to absorb, but I think that is the ultimate reality. As far as atrocious things being done in God's name I try to explain to them as well as myself this is what happens when people blindly accept fundamentalism or religion without testing ideas and philosophies intellectually. Anyway, I'm babbling. I hope the week gets better. Peace, bro.