The Sacred and the Profane

the very first thing I want to say here is that the feelings of those reading my blog matter more than any argument. Do I believe there is nothing wrong with profanity, even strong profanity, when it's not spoken to hurt another person? I do believe that. And I'll try and give some rationale for that another time. But so what? What matters more to me, my cute little argument or Sheri's feelings and the feelings of others who may also cringe at the eff word? No contest there guys. I told you I try not to cuss in front of my son because he feels these words are 'bad' words. Same glass of juice.

Unfortunately, there is more to it for me. Those words really do help me emote. They are part of who I am. I will continue to use them, with myself, friends, and certainly God. And this is a blog. I decided, before any of this happened, to not use profanity in my essay-posts, the 'Christianity' in the title stuff, because I wanted those essays to be approachable for all Christians. If I'm saying f this and f that, f those effing premillenial dispensationalists (and I'm just reaching here, nothing against believers who hold those ideas) how can you print that off and tape it to your fridge to read later? Or share it at a bible study? Or send a link to a friend: 'yeah, this guy has some interesting thoughts but he's really potty-mouthed?'

I did decide, though, to keep writing how I speak to peers in the more personal blog posts. This is a web log, right? An online journal. And I would certainly cuss in my journal or when talking to other adults. I didn't want to edit myself in those posts.

And can those two things live together on the same site? I don't know anymore, truthfully. One thing I didn't want was to write Christian essays up here and yet cloak my true nature. My true nature is pretty, uh, natural; that's in part why I'm a Christian. I have always hated churches where the true self is hidden as it is by goofy adolescents. I have a friend going through this right now in a bible study in so. cal. He came back from a trip and described it as 'life changing' to his study group; he told me they looked at him like he said 'heil hitler.' They're all about answering the study book questions, quickly, at surface level, from 'the Word' and then moving on. What does that do for anyone?

If I were still in an evangelical church, I'd be heading fully into emergent. The more I read about it online, the more I like it. More on that later. But I emerged all the way into a liturgical, some would even say quasi-liberal, denomination. Well I'll be. I'm on vestry, which is a governing board, and my job at the last two church functions was to bring the beer keg. That's right. The beer keg. I can drink, cuss among friends, be open-minded in my theology, even tolerant, hold the view of scripture I do, and no one is kicking me off the vestry because if they did our deacon and priest would also have to go, at least for the drinking. At our recent fund-raising dinner one of the oldest members of the church said he wanted to start a bicycle gang, not a club, a gang, and call it 'the bad ass episcoplians.' Everyone laughed. I heard lots of swear words slipping out that night. This is the kind of church I need. And, I think, the kind of church Jesus would have enjoyed. How often was he accused of eating and drinking with the party set?

My tiny church is active in helping those in need in the community in direct ways that I never saw in any evangelical church I attended. Maybe some liturgical parishes understood the need to be tolerant and charitable before the 'modern' church was even born. But I thank God I am where I am. I don't feel I have to 'be' anything at church; I take communion and ask God to change me every time I kneel at that rail and receive the body of christ (or most times anyway). And he is. Using this group, in part, incidentally. The service at my church, ancient as it is, is not about doing, or putting on a great presentation, it's about receiving simple grace; for me this truly is water for a thirsty soul.

Now I really am drifting off topic.

So for the moment, I don't know what I'll do about my profanity online. I care about the feelings of those who read this and who may read it. But I also need to get my own needs met. Maybe I'll have two blogs. Or I'll keep doing what I was doing, not using profanity in the essays, only the personal posts.

I do want to respond to Sheri's comments and believe I have an opinion, but not yet.

As far as the hatred expressed in my blog against the russian terrorists...well now that was intense. Feeling isn't doing. I know not all of us get that angry in this life. But I refer to the violent passages in the psalms (some of which C.S. Lewis calls 'the cursing psalms) and to Jesus' great metaphor of the millstone tied around the neck of the man who injures a little child (you know, the man who is then thrown into the sea) as precedent: even the scriptures contain hatred directed against the wicked, and use violent, and graphic metaphor to express it.

***

As far as other things, I'm having a tough week in a number of ways; I do feel like I'm growing. I talked to E's old friend last night. Oh man. Do I have things to share from that conversation. I got what I was hoping to get: I feel much less blame for my divorce. But it's still tough to know these new things and process. In time I'll finish the E tale; as it is, I'm dragging it out like a Strand serial; this is because of time limitations, and a need to write in a way that respects my current (almost said 'real) wife. I apologize for the suspense.

I've been feeling burned out the last couple of days: I don't want to grade any more papers, I'm tired of driving so far to work, I feel lonely in the mountains, I feel like a terrible person because I've begun to snore regularly and that make it tough for my wife and I to get a good sleep. Depression. Signs of mental stress/overwork and a need to exercise, relax, enjoy my family and life. Times like this come in every semester.

I am excited about my faith right now, however. Reading Bonhoffer; looking hard for books by Schweitzer (esp. Ethics) and MacClaren. (Yeah, as in Brian, the emergent guy). Also, I have begun to look into what it takes to be an Episcopal deacon. It's actually an ordained (unpaid)position; our church has only one currently. I'd have to go to school on weekends for three years, yada yada. It's just a thought. There's also a lay order I'm interested in. I could be in a genuine order and still live with my family! The spiritual structure and community of that sound very beautiful to me, though of course I would be living all the way in Pollock. Keep you posted.

Love you all,

t