Still Almost 40
Okay, so this 40 thing is hitting me a bit hard. Why can't I be turning 30 again? Latest news:
why the hell is zawahiri, or however you spell it, still alive and threatening the u.s.? Why is bin baden still in hiding in the mountains? If we had put the troop effort into finding those guys we put into finding Hussein, would they now be dead or captured?
It's hard not to wonder. I've said it before and you guys know how I feel; sorry to repeat myself. But the invasion of Iraq went down because a few very powerful people (Rumsfeld, Cheney, Wolfowitz) told the pres. it was in our best interest (and whatever one thinks of bush as a leader, why does he strike me as confused, easily manipulated, below intelligent, every time he opens his mouth?) I also believe those advisers thought the invasion would go over easily, with few casulaties on our side and lots of benefits for us in the long run (including economic ones); our invasion would smack down a dictator defiant of the u.s. and show some real muscle; it would also liberate an oppressed people. But it hasn't been that easy. Some of those people, predictably I might add, fought back. And I think the vulcans feel the use of military force to further America's interests, not just insure our safety, is justified. Including Rice. Powell is the only rational guy I know close to Bush, and he sold a lifetime of credibility away giving that speech at the u.n. I believe he knows it.
So here we are. 1000 soldiers dead in Iraq and zawahiri's fanatic face still free and threatening me at cnn.com. While somehow Bush's camp has managed to portray Kerry, who got shot at in Vietnam, as weak on defense (hanoi kerry) while Bush, who used family connections to avoid combat, is the tough guy. What am I missing here? I think Bush is intellectuallly insecure around the men he's hired to work under him; they have driven his agenda (that and his need to live up to what he considers his father's legacy) and I believe history will show this to be the case. Maybe 50 years from now the Iraq war will be seen as a stroke of genius, a strategic move which benefitted our future and the world; if in fact it ends up working in our favor, it will be accident.
Again, I wish those 120,000 troops were in afganistan and pakistan hunting down al-quaeda. I know terrorists are crouched in hiding all over the world, but 9/11 demanded a thorough, sustained, and heavy-handed response: against those responsible! Instead, we're letting Pakistan do most of the hunting. The high profile leaders remain (with the notable exception of KSM, who is in custody).
The real meat for me here is that my son flies every two weeks to l.a. and back; and it scares the shit out of me sometimes, unlikely as I think it is that the next attack will be against planes. But I say darkly that it could be. There are loopholes in air security as I know it. I have no desire to discuss my parent's fears in detail here.
And is some of this anger I direct at Bush coming from other places in me? Sure. I'm still in a rough spot. Turning 40. Doubting my faith, though I'm trying to just stop thinking about it at all right now until my mood is settled (again). One thing I've had to notice writing here regularly is how moody my posts show I am. It's tough, really, to show all that on the web, to be transparent about my fears and moods. But this is a web-log, a public journal/diary. And I get so much from sharing my down days here, I really do. So I keep writing, because it helps me so much.
This is just another one of those days. The birthday has me thinking of so many things.
And while I believe placing faith in Christ is an intellectually defendable position, right now I'd have to say so is skeptical atheism. I'm not saying I'm an atheist, or tossing in the towel on my faith, but faith it is and must remain. I read about JW's, or Mormons, or whoever, and I see huge holes in their historical foundations. I don't want to be one of those people; I question and probe so much because I don't want to be wrong. I want to know the truth, the real truth, whether I like it or not, whether it makes me happy or not. I'm strangely tenacious about all this. My wife tells me 'it's not normal' how intensely I wrestle with religious questions; yeah, she's probably right. But I can't hold any position, including faith in Jesus, without trying to think about it. To hold it against the litmus of reason. That must be balanced, of course, with content from both sides, the gospels especially (the Voice lives there) and too often I let mental debate take the place of practicing my faith (prayer, meditation, charity); I know this is harmful. Still, here I am. A true Christian skeptic. In need of God's grace, faith, and perhaps direct intervention.
Through it all, as I rage and write, I do think I'm healing old wounds. My suspicion is more the result of past hurt than anything. Feeling that, re-experiencing that, as long as I release the emotion associated with it, does produce change in me.
And that's one thing I do here. This blog is a lectern, a magazine, sometimes a pulpit, often a chair in a support meeting where I'm 'spilling my guts' (quoting Anthony K.) So be it. I hate to put it this way, but if God really does care for me, he will make himself known to me as many times as I need it. He's done it before. He'll do it again.
t
why the hell is zawahiri, or however you spell it, still alive and threatening the u.s.? Why is bin baden still in hiding in the mountains? If we had put the troop effort into finding those guys we put into finding Hussein, would they now be dead or captured?
It's hard not to wonder. I've said it before and you guys know how I feel; sorry to repeat myself. But the invasion of Iraq went down because a few very powerful people (Rumsfeld, Cheney, Wolfowitz) told the pres. it was in our best interest (and whatever one thinks of bush as a leader, why does he strike me as confused, easily manipulated, below intelligent, every time he opens his mouth?) I also believe those advisers thought the invasion would go over easily, with few casulaties on our side and lots of benefits for us in the long run (including economic ones); our invasion would smack down a dictator defiant of the u.s. and show some real muscle; it would also liberate an oppressed people. But it hasn't been that easy. Some of those people, predictably I might add, fought back. And I think the vulcans feel the use of military force to further America's interests, not just insure our safety, is justified. Including Rice. Powell is the only rational guy I know close to Bush, and he sold a lifetime of credibility away giving that speech at the u.n. I believe he knows it.
So here we are. 1000 soldiers dead in Iraq and zawahiri's fanatic face still free and threatening me at cnn.com. While somehow Bush's camp has managed to portray Kerry, who got shot at in Vietnam, as weak on defense (hanoi kerry) while Bush, who used family connections to avoid combat, is the tough guy. What am I missing here? I think Bush is intellectuallly insecure around the men he's hired to work under him; they have driven his agenda (that and his need to live up to what he considers his father's legacy) and I believe history will show this to be the case. Maybe 50 years from now the Iraq war will be seen as a stroke of genius, a strategic move which benefitted our future and the world; if in fact it ends up working in our favor, it will be accident.
Again, I wish those 120,000 troops were in afganistan and pakistan hunting down al-quaeda. I know terrorists are crouched in hiding all over the world, but 9/11 demanded a thorough, sustained, and heavy-handed response: against those responsible! Instead, we're letting Pakistan do most of the hunting. The high profile leaders remain (with the notable exception of KSM, who is in custody).
The real meat for me here is that my son flies every two weeks to l.a. and back; and it scares the shit out of me sometimes, unlikely as I think it is that the next attack will be against planes. But I say darkly that it could be. There are loopholes in air security as I know it. I have no desire to discuss my parent's fears in detail here.
And is some of this anger I direct at Bush coming from other places in me? Sure. I'm still in a rough spot. Turning 40. Doubting my faith, though I'm trying to just stop thinking about it at all right now until my mood is settled (again). One thing I've had to notice writing here regularly is how moody my posts show I am. It's tough, really, to show all that on the web, to be transparent about my fears and moods. But this is a web-log, a public journal/diary. And I get so much from sharing my down days here, I really do. So I keep writing, because it helps me so much.
This is just another one of those days. The birthday has me thinking of so many things.
And while I believe placing faith in Christ is an intellectually defendable position, right now I'd have to say so is skeptical atheism. I'm not saying I'm an atheist, or tossing in the towel on my faith, but faith it is and must remain. I read about JW's, or Mormons, or whoever, and I see huge holes in their historical foundations. I don't want to be one of those people; I question and probe so much because I don't want to be wrong. I want to know the truth, the real truth, whether I like it or not, whether it makes me happy or not. I'm strangely tenacious about all this. My wife tells me 'it's not normal' how intensely I wrestle with religious questions; yeah, she's probably right. But I can't hold any position, including faith in Jesus, without trying to think about it. To hold it against the litmus of reason. That must be balanced, of course, with content from both sides, the gospels especially (the Voice lives there) and too often I let mental debate take the place of practicing my faith (prayer, meditation, charity); I know this is harmful. Still, here I am. A true Christian skeptic. In need of God's grace, faith, and perhaps direct intervention.
Through it all, as I rage and write, I do think I'm healing old wounds. My suspicion is more the result of past hurt than anything. Feeling that, re-experiencing that, as long as I release the emotion associated with it, does produce change in me.
And that's one thing I do here. This blog is a lectern, a magazine, sometimes a pulpit, often a chair in a support meeting where I'm 'spilling my guts' (quoting Anthony K.) So be it. I hate to put it this way, but if God really does care for me, he will make himself known to me as many times as I need it. He's done it before. He'll do it again.
t
Comments
In matters of faith, you are in a rough spot and in years past I know I've in similar spots. I won't say 'I know how you feel' because I hate when people say that. But I remember what it was like for me. Reading the word, praying, seeking after Jesus will see you through and grow you into the person He knows you are and only He can understand. Rest in His peace. Be well brother.
sincere thanks for your wonderful words. I needed to hear both parts. I am so glad we've connected on the blog.
t