Da Crew (final update)
I only have about twenty minutes before I split for home, but let me say a few things:
(I came back the next morning and added a little more here)
one, sincere, heartfelt thanks for all the positive comments below, and thanks also for Sheri's challenging comment (I don't mean that it wasn't positive, of course). I was afraid to come back in and even look at my blog.
I think there are two things on the burner for me as I sit in the bloglight (for a moment, my blog has become a center of something or other). One is my own sensitivity and my own issues as a whole, my needs and hurts and hang-ups. The other thing, apart from that, is profanity. Am I making sense? I can discuss my own use of profanity on my blog and the use of profanity in general; but what I was feeling in response to being deblogged from a particular site is not the same exercise.
In brief, I'm very sensitive; I know it, and it does me little good to pretend that sensitivity is not there. Clearly, it's based on my life experiences and not some genetic aberration or spiritual weakness. It is a big part of who I am. What might effect someone else only moderately affects me a lot (like being deblogged by one of my very first encouragers up here). I'm not the only person like this, of course. In the recovery community, among other places, they call this kind of reaction being triggered. You know, some small thing happens and it feels like an avalanche in the soul. In this case, those feelings lasted about two days, only one was really hard; I was becoming friends with a person and felt rejected (though that may have not really been the case) the way one does after one or two dates, say. You know, we're just different people. Okay.
I'm much better now, truthfully.
The way to heal those feelings really is to feel them. Thinking clearly also helps, not catastrophizing, trying to maintain perspective, but the healing remains messy, painful work. I am often aware I'm healing old wounds when I get triggered like that and process; I certainly was in this case. My hope is not to hurt anyone emotionally while I'm working through the feelings, which ain't always easy.
The process I just described I believe in intimately. I owe my life to it, literally. Profanity, well, yeah, that's another thing. And I think, to respect Sheri's point of view, it's something I want to discuss in a few days when I have more time. I don't want to not respond, I just want to think it through first.
Also, while I may be sensitive, I'm no velvet daisy. I don't want others to feel they can't critique my points of view or even pull me off their blogs. Feel free to manage your sites as you wish. The intimacy of this new community scares me, to be honest, as much as it nourishes me. But I don't want everyone to feel pressure. I have people in my 'blog family' like Romy whom I barely know and who actually has never responded to my blog (though we've emailed a little). I put her in family because I take so much from here posts, her honesty and her writing. I'm not linked on her site and it doesn't freak me out. Also, I know I can sit here and read all about someone else's life on another blog and begin to feel close to them even if they have little idea who I am, and no idea I'm taking so much from their posts!
Finally, I admit my blog sometimes has an unusual, strong, flavor.
Because that's me, and I'm fairly open about what I feel; it's how I got well. My anger, my sexuality, my fears...lots of guys have all that. I just can't help spilling forth, to quote chameleon. Blah. Here I be. Blah blah. I actually have tried to be polite. My russia post came after, right after, I saw a slideshow sent me by an ex-student who is Russian. There were pictures on there I never saw, that one never would see, in the American press. I have no desire to put that link here. Dead children, bloody and in their underwear, lined up like wooden logs. Well, I'm backing off that topic; my rage will return.
(BTW, special props to scooter for what he said in comments: yeah, it's true, when I think of someone else who reacts with the kind of passion and anger I do, I think of scooter; we've both seen each other do this over the years.)
And I'm afraid I have something else, two things really, on the metaphorically trite burners (this makes four now). One is that my insurance company is no longer doing business with a larger group, the group through which I found my current therapist. Does this mean I can't see her after the first of the year? I don't think so, and I would be able to move on and work with someone else, but I don't know for sure yet and that blows (is blows profanity? I don't mean to be silly, but I don't actually know; I learned that word from scooter imitating squishy the clown).
Second, and larger, a good buddy of mine, a guy I talk to every week, ended up running into an old friend of Estella's, my ex-wife. A woman who knew her well, who stood in for me as a godparent for E's brother's baby after E left me. A woman who came to my house with E when she took all her stuff. And a woman who knows the end to a story I don't know and have never bothered to uncover.
It's been a dozen years since we split. But there was a greater darkness which came after which I have not discussed yet on this board, an evil which goes far beyond whatever evil may be inherent in abandoning your spouse. And it is uncanny, okay bizarre, to me that my friend is casually dating this girl (very casually). He's been exemplary, incidentally, and if these two end up truly going out I wish them the best. But finally, the subject of E and I came up in their conversation (this woman had no idea my buddy was my buddy, but my buddy needed her to know pretty quickly). And now my friend knows the end to a story I starred in.
And I don't really know what I want to do, if anything.
So, yeah, puke all over myself and punch the wall studs; go outside and stomp on ant trails.
There is more to it; apparently this woman, who is now a therapist herself and nearing 40, thinks I got a pretty messed up deal, and now I really can't say more as I am out of time. The truth is I've blamed myself for my divorce, and even, in my darkest heart, for what came after. How could I not? It was too obscene to accept. What child can blame the parent who abuses him?
I need to let you all know what I mean. But I have to leave to meet my family for dinner. My office hour is over and I'm not getting paid to blog anymore. Later this week I will.
I love how Sheri says she is among friends. I feel the same way and I count it priceless. Priceless and a gift to me from God. I feel love in all the supportive posts which came in to my last entry. I'm still ragged around the edges, in the middle, and in between. I was out of the church for the better part of a decade. But here I am now...hello, my name is troy...
Peace in Christ to all,
t
(I came back the next morning and added a little more here)
one, sincere, heartfelt thanks for all the positive comments below, and thanks also for Sheri's challenging comment (I don't mean that it wasn't positive, of course). I was afraid to come back in and even look at my blog.
I think there are two things on the burner for me as I sit in the bloglight (for a moment, my blog has become a center of something or other). One is my own sensitivity and my own issues as a whole, my needs and hurts and hang-ups. The other thing, apart from that, is profanity. Am I making sense? I can discuss my own use of profanity on my blog and the use of profanity in general; but what I was feeling in response to being deblogged from a particular site is not the same exercise.
In brief, I'm very sensitive; I know it, and it does me little good to pretend that sensitivity is not there. Clearly, it's based on my life experiences and not some genetic aberration or spiritual weakness. It is a big part of who I am. What might effect someone else only moderately affects me a lot (like being deblogged by one of my very first encouragers up here). I'm not the only person like this, of course. In the recovery community, among other places, they call this kind of reaction being triggered. You know, some small thing happens and it feels like an avalanche in the soul. In this case, those feelings lasted about two days, only one was really hard; I was becoming friends with a person and felt rejected (though that may have not really been the case) the way one does after one or two dates, say. You know, we're just different people. Okay.
I'm much better now, truthfully.
The way to heal those feelings really is to feel them. Thinking clearly also helps, not catastrophizing, trying to maintain perspective, but the healing remains messy, painful work. I am often aware I'm healing old wounds when I get triggered like that and process; I certainly was in this case. My hope is not to hurt anyone emotionally while I'm working through the feelings, which ain't always easy.
The process I just described I believe in intimately. I owe my life to it, literally. Profanity, well, yeah, that's another thing. And I think, to respect Sheri's point of view, it's something I want to discuss in a few days when I have more time. I don't want to not respond, I just want to think it through first.
Also, while I may be sensitive, I'm no velvet daisy. I don't want others to feel they can't critique my points of view or even pull me off their blogs. Feel free to manage your sites as you wish. The intimacy of this new community scares me, to be honest, as much as it nourishes me. But I don't want everyone to feel pressure. I have people in my 'blog family' like Romy whom I barely know and who actually has never responded to my blog (though we've emailed a little). I put her in family because I take so much from here posts, her honesty and her writing. I'm not linked on her site and it doesn't freak me out. Also, I know I can sit here and read all about someone else's life on another blog and begin to feel close to them even if they have little idea who I am, and no idea I'm taking so much from their posts!
Finally, I admit my blog sometimes has an unusual, strong, flavor.
Because that's me, and I'm fairly open about what I feel; it's how I got well. My anger, my sexuality, my fears...lots of guys have all that. I just can't help spilling forth, to quote chameleon. Blah. Here I be. Blah blah. I actually have tried to be polite. My russia post came after, right after, I saw a slideshow sent me by an ex-student who is Russian. There were pictures on there I never saw, that one never would see, in the American press. I have no desire to put that link here. Dead children, bloody and in their underwear, lined up like wooden logs. Well, I'm backing off that topic; my rage will return.
(BTW, special props to scooter for what he said in comments: yeah, it's true, when I think of someone else who reacts with the kind of passion and anger I do, I think of scooter; we've both seen each other do this over the years.)
And I'm afraid I have something else, two things really, on the metaphorically trite burners (this makes four now). One is that my insurance company is no longer doing business with a larger group, the group through which I found my current therapist. Does this mean I can't see her after the first of the year? I don't think so, and I would be able to move on and work with someone else, but I don't know for sure yet and that blows (is blows profanity? I don't mean to be silly, but I don't actually know; I learned that word from scooter imitating squishy the clown).
Second, and larger, a good buddy of mine, a guy I talk to every week, ended up running into an old friend of Estella's, my ex-wife. A woman who knew her well, who stood in for me as a godparent for E's brother's baby after E left me. A woman who came to my house with E when she took all her stuff. And a woman who knows the end to a story I don't know and have never bothered to uncover.
It's been a dozen years since we split. But there was a greater darkness which came after which I have not discussed yet on this board, an evil which goes far beyond whatever evil may be inherent in abandoning your spouse. And it is uncanny, okay bizarre, to me that my friend is casually dating this girl (very casually). He's been exemplary, incidentally, and if these two end up truly going out I wish them the best. But finally, the subject of E and I came up in their conversation (this woman had no idea my buddy was my buddy, but my buddy needed her to know pretty quickly). And now my friend knows the end to a story I starred in.
And I don't really know what I want to do, if anything.
So, yeah, puke all over myself and punch the wall studs; go outside and stomp on ant trails.
There is more to it; apparently this woman, who is now a therapist herself and nearing 40, thinks I got a pretty messed up deal, and now I really can't say more as I am out of time. The truth is I've blamed myself for my divorce, and even, in my darkest heart, for what came after. How could I not? It was too obscene to accept. What child can blame the parent who abuses him?
I need to let you all know what I mean. But I have to leave to meet my family for dinner. My office hour is over and I'm not getting paid to blog anymore. Later this week I will.
I love how Sheri says she is among friends. I feel the same way and I count it priceless. Priceless and a gift to me from God. I feel love in all the supportive posts which came in to my last entry. I'm still ragged around the edges, in the middle, and in between. I was out of the church for the better part of a decade. But here I am now...hello, my name is troy...
Peace in Christ to all,
t
Comments
Took a sick day again today (can't shake this cold I've had since Thursday) and am finally catching up on everyone's blogs. I have a pretty good idea of who that friend of Estella's is - in fact, I'm sure I know. Wow, a therapist herself, huh? Amazing. Well, not so amazing, considering her background. By the way, thanks for the credit for "that blows." To this day, I still can't say that phrase without mimicking ol' Squishy.