Moving On
if something truly nefarious happened in my attempt to get the job, I would like to know about it; if I was weak in an area or two, I'd like to know where I could improve. Fact is, all I can say is that I did better than I thought in the first round (doesn't the fact that I became a finalist prove that), and that lots of faculty at that college think the president is an idiot. I guess I'm part of that faction now also.
And beyond that, it's time to move on. I have a great job now that I can engage more closely. I've made a couple friends who work at the other college, and I can stay in touch with them and they live closer to me; that I count a gain. Of course, if things are really that whacked at their school, I don't want to work there anyway.
What I really want to do is grow in my faith. More than any college work. Sure it's fun to do campus projects, to receive minor praise or congratulations for a job well done, to impact students (a part of my job I rarely reflect on unfortunately) and assist other faculty. It's darn sure fun to discuss ideas and literature for a living. But really, like that elf, what's his name, Hermie or something? in the Christmas special who wants to be a dentist, what I want to do is study Christianity, and more than that even, to try and live it. To serve is to know.
Reason has its limitations; I'm changing the top of my blog. The character I'm quoting from Pilgrim's Regress is one part of John's journey across the Canyon. That doesn't mean I don't need a rational support structure for my faith, I do, and for me that centers entirely on the gospel record and Christ as he is revealed there. I'm trusting EFM to provide me guidance I can't provide myself. Like getting professional help. But I'm finding there are things I can do, service I guess it's called in some circles (I'm not sure what the church calls it, charity?) which transcend all knowledge. Do I really believe, whatever kind of ranking there may or may not be in the next life, that the brightest, the best theologians and apologists and writers and teachers, the big names on the bookshelf, will hold the highest positions if such positions exist? I don't believe that. Jesus never says it any place. The first shall be last. The greatest will serve. I'm beginning to see I can find meaning in church work, often mundane church work, I've never felt anyplace else. This really is what it's all about. Leading there doesn't feel like leading anyplace else, and serving there doesn't feel like serving anyplace else.
So now I'm just happy to continue in my little mountain parish. One I half-hated, pitied, less than two years ago.
Pray for me, those of you who pray to whomever you pray to. I don't know where my future in the church lies, but I'm very grateful, consider myself wildly lucky, to have come as far as I have, to know the sense of purpose that my first stabs at service have provided, imperfect as my efforts are and have been. This life will never provide long-lasting ecstasy of any kind; for me, even moments of contentment are rare. But they may be getting less rare. The church provides structure, yes, but a clarity of purpose I can't deny.
Be well all,
t
And beyond that, it's time to move on. I have a great job now that I can engage more closely. I've made a couple friends who work at the other college, and I can stay in touch with them and they live closer to me; that I count a gain. Of course, if things are really that whacked at their school, I don't want to work there anyway.
What I really want to do is grow in my faith. More than any college work. Sure it's fun to do campus projects, to receive minor praise or congratulations for a job well done, to impact students (a part of my job I rarely reflect on unfortunately) and assist other faculty. It's darn sure fun to discuss ideas and literature for a living. But really, like that elf, what's his name, Hermie or something? in the Christmas special who wants to be a dentist, what I want to do is study Christianity, and more than that even, to try and live it. To serve is to know.
Reason has its limitations; I'm changing the top of my blog. The character I'm quoting from Pilgrim's Regress is one part of John's journey across the Canyon. That doesn't mean I don't need a rational support structure for my faith, I do, and for me that centers entirely on the gospel record and Christ as he is revealed there. I'm trusting EFM to provide me guidance I can't provide myself. Like getting professional help. But I'm finding there are things I can do, service I guess it's called in some circles (I'm not sure what the church calls it, charity?) which transcend all knowledge. Do I really believe, whatever kind of ranking there may or may not be in the next life, that the brightest, the best theologians and apologists and writers and teachers, the big names on the bookshelf, will hold the highest positions if such positions exist? I don't believe that. Jesus never says it any place. The first shall be last. The greatest will serve. I'm beginning to see I can find meaning in church work, often mundane church work, I've never felt anyplace else. This really is what it's all about. Leading there doesn't feel like leading anyplace else, and serving there doesn't feel like serving anyplace else.
So now I'm just happy to continue in my little mountain parish. One I half-hated, pitied, less than two years ago.
Pray for me, those of you who pray to whomever you pray to. I don't know where my future in the church lies, but I'm very grateful, consider myself wildly lucky, to have come as far as I have, to know the sense of purpose that my first stabs at service have provided, imperfect as my efforts are and have been. This life will never provide long-lasting ecstasy of any kind; for me, even moments of contentment are rare. But they may be getting less rare. The church provides structure, yes, but a clarity of purpose I can't deny.
Be well all,
t
Comments
I too, have recently been made more aware of my need and desire to serve. I saw the need in the eyes of my boys. Something about tangibly living out what I believed. I'll pray that opportuinities keep coming for both of us to truly be more like Jesus everyday. Glad you're here.
(a) I am so glad that it was just a weird blogger glitch and that you didn't disappear off the sphere for all time. I have been checking your blank white page a couple of times a day.
(b) This post was great. It will be excellent to see as you trek into a new area of your faith -- through service. Just doing that, just serving has been a God send for me when I am way too close to my own angst and depression. And I always learn something about God and others through it, which of course helps me out too. Exciting. :)