Sunny Side Up
what do I follow a post like the post below with? Things that grow in the present I guess. Like the gorgeous spring which is all around my house. My neighbor's ridiculous hound dog which is baying, tied up, at eight in the morning. The final on Frankenstein I have to give this afternoon, (still need to come up with prompts, with questions); the slew of esssays yet to grade before my grades are due next Tuesday (actually, it would be nice to finish everything Friday).
All this, too, is real.
Somehow I've always believed life would get better, get easier, no matter the challenge. I know that will not always be true. I will someday die (well, if Jesus can be trusted, that will be the greatest beginning of all). When I began this blog just over a year ago I felt desperately lonely much of the time. Things at my church appeared bleak; I was home alone a lot; my karate gym had shut down without notice (allegedly because the sensei, a good guy to me at least and a well-trained fighter, was tweaking). Things felt pretty distant between S and I, at least from my side, more often than I'd wish. I didn't even feel as close to Mikey. This board, this little group, was my 'blog family.' I felt adopted, and wanted to adopt everyone in that first generation: scott/romy/kmj/ian/funkiller/sheri/dave. I hope I'm not forgetting anyone, others came later, like amanda. Of course I got hurt early on; that was over my blog post regarding the murdered russian children. Relational hurt is part of life. But this group felt like the only real social circle I had, working as far from work as I do and did (and at work, only one real friend, one true soul to share with).
Just a little over a year later I still love blogging and reading the blogs of my friends. It's been hard lately to stay caught up, but I manage. The wonderful thing is that I don't feel so isolated even apart from the blog. Every place I felt desperate has improved. My ocd has undergone major improvements in the last fourteen months or so using exposure therapy; my church, by giving me things to do, has integrated me in a way I didn't think possible, though of course more relationships need to be built there, and will. I've fed my city-hunger by going to s.f. more than once; I've also appreciated the astounding beauty of the woods around my home in a new way. Things feel stronger with S, though I think hard work remains to be done. And maybe the thing I'm most proud of...my relationship with my newly teenage son seems to be genuinely good. I think there was an awkward time between childhood and adolescence, when all he cared about was ESPN, when Pokemon was gone and he hadn't yet begun to fully socialize, a time when I didn't feel as close to him. Now he's talking about things I can give input on: girls, mostly, but making responsible choices, knowing how much freedom to give him and when to curtail that freedom.
Sure, he's only 13! What will I say at 16! But it seems he is going into his teenage years with an open relationship with me, one built on communication and respect and not just boundaries. Children need love more than they need discipline and limits. I'm not saying they need both, but they need love and sharing most of all. We all need that most of all. There are tense moments, but I'm proud of my relationship with my stepson, especially as his biological father, someone he's still close to and sees twice a month, is getting married to a woman he's only known a few months, less than a year anyway. Hopefully all will be good there, but she barely knows Mikey, and his soul, I tell you, is more precious than any diamond. Anyone who knows him can say the same, will say the same. So with things changing with his dad, I'm grateful to feel like a larger part of his life. Grateful is the word.
Also, I'm still no great river of faith, but taking classes at my church has and will help. I need a rational Christianity, as far as any faith can be rational, and too many groups sacrifice reason for rigid tradionality and comfort. I need a faith that embraces higher criticism of scripture, intellectual skepticism, but still places faith in the saving Christ. This may be weakness more than strength on my part, but I've found a denomination, the episcopal, which lets me be who I am and do it with others like me. Also good.
My clear point here is that things are better than they were when I started the blog (oh, I started weight lifting also) and I don't know how much I can credit the other voices up here...perhaps it has been their prayers for me more than anything. All is not perfect, I've been having some muscle spasms in my lower back and taking valium for it...some moments of real pain which are however resolving, and which I know will recede. But I feel so much less lonely. Even without getting the other job, my teaching schedule is very good next year: the entire am. lit. survey and a new class in science fiction (I need to brush up there). Plus I'm using some great books in my comp. classes. And, to top all off, I'm reading the entire Republic cover to cover, something I've never done before. I don't think I was educated before, truly, without that book. Some parts of it, where Plato discusses divinity, are outstanding. Other parts are wierd, yes...like the letters of St. Paul. Very different, but I can't help make the comparison, I surely don't mean to offend.
Be well all. One more week and I get a break and can blog and read blog more than I've been able to lately.
Hope comes with the morning.
t
All this, too, is real.
Somehow I've always believed life would get better, get easier, no matter the challenge. I know that will not always be true. I will someday die (well, if Jesus can be trusted, that will be the greatest beginning of all). When I began this blog just over a year ago I felt desperately lonely much of the time. Things at my church appeared bleak; I was home alone a lot; my karate gym had shut down without notice (allegedly because the sensei, a good guy to me at least and a well-trained fighter, was tweaking). Things felt pretty distant between S and I, at least from my side, more often than I'd wish. I didn't even feel as close to Mikey. This board, this little group, was my 'blog family.' I felt adopted, and wanted to adopt everyone in that first generation: scott/romy/kmj/ian/funkiller/sheri/dave. I hope I'm not forgetting anyone, others came later, like amanda. Of course I got hurt early on; that was over my blog post regarding the murdered russian children. Relational hurt is part of life. But this group felt like the only real social circle I had, working as far from work as I do and did (and at work, only one real friend, one true soul to share with).
Just a little over a year later I still love blogging and reading the blogs of my friends. It's been hard lately to stay caught up, but I manage. The wonderful thing is that I don't feel so isolated even apart from the blog. Every place I felt desperate has improved. My ocd has undergone major improvements in the last fourteen months or so using exposure therapy; my church, by giving me things to do, has integrated me in a way I didn't think possible, though of course more relationships need to be built there, and will. I've fed my city-hunger by going to s.f. more than once; I've also appreciated the astounding beauty of the woods around my home in a new way. Things feel stronger with S, though I think hard work remains to be done. And maybe the thing I'm most proud of...my relationship with my newly teenage son seems to be genuinely good. I think there was an awkward time between childhood and adolescence, when all he cared about was ESPN, when Pokemon was gone and he hadn't yet begun to fully socialize, a time when I didn't feel as close to him. Now he's talking about things I can give input on: girls, mostly, but making responsible choices, knowing how much freedom to give him and when to curtail that freedom.
Sure, he's only 13! What will I say at 16! But it seems he is going into his teenage years with an open relationship with me, one built on communication and respect and not just boundaries. Children need love more than they need discipline and limits. I'm not saying they need both, but they need love and sharing most of all. We all need that most of all. There are tense moments, but I'm proud of my relationship with my stepson, especially as his biological father, someone he's still close to and sees twice a month, is getting married to a woman he's only known a few months, less than a year anyway. Hopefully all will be good there, but she barely knows Mikey, and his soul, I tell you, is more precious than any diamond. Anyone who knows him can say the same, will say the same. So with things changing with his dad, I'm grateful to feel like a larger part of his life. Grateful is the word.
Also, I'm still no great river of faith, but taking classes at my church has and will help. I need a rational Christianity, as far as any faith can be rational, and too many groups sacrifice reason for rigid tradionality and comfort. I need a faith that embraces higher criticism of scripture, intellectual skepticism, but still places faith in the saving Christ. This may be weakness more than strength on my part, but I've found a denomination, the episcopal, which lets me be who I am and do it with others like me. Also good.
My clear point here is that things are better than they were when I started the blog (oh, I started weight lifting also) and I don't know how much I can credit the other voices up here...perhaps it has been their prayers for me more than anything. All is not perfect, I've been having some muscle spasms in my lower back and taking valium for it...some moments of real pain which are however resolving, and which I know will recede. But I feel so much less lonely. Even without getting the other job, my teaching schedule is very good next year: the entire am. lit. survey and a new class in science fiction (I need to brush up there). Plus I'm using some great books in my comp. classes. And, to top all off, I'm reading the entire Republic cover to cover, something I've never done before. I don't think I was educated before, truly, without that book. Some parts of it, where Plato discusses divinity, are outstanding. Other parts are wierd, yes...like the letters of St. Paul. Very different, but I can't help make the comparison, I surely don't mean to offend.
Be well all. One more week and I get a break and can blog and read blog more than I've been able to lately.
Hope comes with the morning.
t
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